If there has ever been an issue that I have had difficulties with, it has been in respecting my husband. The problems did not arise from him somehow being less than worthy of respect, but rather, I had no idea what giving respect entailed.

Lately, there are many resources that keep bringing up what is so readily stated in God's Word.

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.  Ephesians 5:33 (emphasis mine)

How many women out there come from the same kind of background that I do? I was never taught how to respect any man, not my father, nor a husband. Men were spoken of in such belittling terms that you would believe that not one man had a single working brain cell in their head. Of course, this isn't true, but it was how I was taught to think, that women are the brains while men are the dumb muscle. For all of that, women could learn to be just as strong as men also, which is also largely false.

As an adult, I am finally able to see things a little more clearly than I had as a child. For example, I have realized that my life was not without the positive influence of a marriage working as God designed. It was only that I was too young to understand the dynamics of my (paternal) grandparents, that I did not see what was right in front of me. To the casual observer, it looked as though my grandmother wore (or wears) the pants in the relationship, which couldn't be further from the truth. They have worked out their relationship so well over the years that their marriage mimics the fluidity to which they waltz together. Moving more as ONE body, they take their steps and turns. Each is responsible for their own movements, but they are so solidly connected that you cannot tell who is truly leading the dance.

In my childhood, I saw my grandmother planning weekend shopping trips with us girls (my 2 sisters and I), and saw that she handled the majority of the finances that were visible to those outside of the 'know'. Because I had been taught in a warped way that control over finances meant power in a relationship, I thought that I had it figured out. Silly me, I never paid attention on the occassions that my papa pulled out his own wallet when we went food-hunting in the food court. All of the subtle indicators of how they managed their marriage were there all throughout my childhood, but I was not attuned to picking them up.

• I never witnessed my grandparents raising their voices with each other. I am sure that it didn't mean they never had disagreements, but that they were kind toward each other and kept private things private and away from we children.
• I never witnessed my grandma or papa speaking ill about the other, not in front of one another, nor quietly amongst friends. They always seemed very respectful toward each other. We can only speculate over what kind of conversations took place behind closed doors. *laughs*
• Grandma was always kind to papa, not demanding and nagging. She was more apt to laugh than anything, when papa would fall asleep during Jeopardy while "resting his eyes". It didn't even matter if she had to call for him a couple times when dinner was ready.
• Grandma really likes the idea of Romans 12:21, and lives it out every day. I should have listened better when she would tell me over and over, all those years, to "kill them with kindness".
• Grandma was never one to make snap decisions, and most definitely not without quietly talking with papa. She respected him enough to always keep him a part of things and to share with him.

Of course, this isn't a comprehensive list of all the things that I just love about my grandma. You'd really have to know her to "get" why I get all bubbly when thinking of her. I am blessed by the time that I spent living in their home, both as a child and as an adult. She's given me many memories to have "Aha!" moments with, in addition to having given me the "baking bug".

So, all of this to say, I want to respect my husband. The more I respect him, the more that I see the manifestations of his love for me. Back to the title of the post though, it has also brought out more clearly the line of demarkation that has to be drawn between a woman and her family. I can say that there are many times when my family would pressure me for things, not wanting to accept that I will want time to go to my husband and ask for his blessing. Issues can arise when poor attitudes pop up, and people try to demonize my husband as a "control freak", or to insinuate that I am a doormat or without my own intellect. Of course, it isn't handled in so blatant fashion, but small comments here and there. Because of that, I have had to set boundaries with those that I love.

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Today, this is translating into the situation that has come up with my little sister. Even though I had been clear with her that I would not have a chance to talk with DH until after he came home from work, she and her family came over last evening. I discussed with her things that would be needed, if DH said that they could come and stay with us. She was less than enthused about the guidelines that I spelled out as far as my needing her full cooperation in getting all of the housework done. She seemed to believe that simply paying for their groceries would be enough of a contribution, though the housework would increase greatly. All in all, I was quite disappointed by her attitude, and it made it difficult for me to remain real positive when DH and I sat down to talk.

All in all, DH was able to contribute information to the conversation that I would have had no clue about. For instance, my sister and her husband could not be able to have a bedroom in the basement because of housing guidelines that CPS would be sticklers about. He said that it had to do with fire escapes and window sizes down there. So, while we technically have room for everyone, it would not be acceptable to CPS. We DO have enough bedrooms to offer the children a place to live, but that isn't an option either because they would never let us have the children here while their father is fighting so hard to have them taken away from my sister, for spite. Need I even mention that DH is not fond of having CPS in here doing inspections all of the time? I'm not fond of those people coming over unannounced all of the time and pestering us either.

I am sure that my sister is going to be upset, and she isn't the only one who is frustrated. I feel bad that there isn't more that we can do right now. We are trying so hard to find some way to "fix" things. Still, there is only so much that we can manage after little sister's gross mismanagement of funds and such. We just can't afford to support their whole family. My heart is so soft, and I hate the thought of little sister not having her children with her, having to fight to have visitation times with them and such. I know that my emotions would lead me to do things that are unhealthy for my own family, trying to protect her from her own foolishness. Thankfully, DH is more grounded and has his eyes solidly fixed on protecting our family, while exhaustively searching out every option available. He even asked me to search for flats near our house, with the idea that we would front them the money to get into a cheap flat. We would have to sacrifice DEEPLY to be able to do that. I had no luck though, and it looks as though we are out of options.

This whole situation makes me so thankful to have DH. I wish that other girls, like my sister, could have someone to help them understand that waiting for marriage is such a blessing. If a man does not want to make the commitment to marry you, then turn your attentions elsewhere. It doesn't benefit me to say these things. I don't get anything good from trying to talk with young girls about sex outside of marriage. However, I just want any young women who might be reading this to know that I care so much about the plight of young women who just want someone to love them. Handling this outside of marriage has hurt so many women, not given them the love that they needed. Having a child by an uncommited man can have disasterous affects on your life, and that of your children. Having a child will not give you a way to hold on to a part of a man who does not want to be with you. Purposefully having a baby, just to have someone to always love you, it doesn't necessarily work either.

I am lucky. When I found out that I was pregnant, the man that I was involved with turned out to be a strong man. Thousands of men are not that strong, and lots of women are left to try and make a life for themselves and their babies without the help of a husband, or even extended families. My guy could have as easily run for the hills, and I could have been left to try and work while raising my child, fretting over if I could keep a roof over our heads, or food in our bellies. I could have had a man who had a vengeful heart, and saught to take my child away from me. I could have spent years of my life fighting to make enough money to "earn" my way back into my baby's life. I thank God so much that I was a "lucky" woman, to have a faithful boyfriend, and now a faithful husband in him. Not all women are so lucky, and they hurt every day of their lives because they did not guard themselves against sin and the consequences of it.

Lord have mercy and compassion on all of us, the women who are struggling, and those who are trying so hard to help.