*tired laugh* No, not that I want that whole "coming out of the closet" experience, but that having a quiet and dark place to hang out could be nice. More of a bonus though, would be the fact that my family would be saved from me. I'm not particularly crabby, but very lackluster today.

DH and I had a conversation after dinner last night, about my sister's plight. He became so passionate in the conversation that he actually started raising his voice to me, while he was making his points. I think that my eyes were as big as saucers. I just calmly reminded him that he didn't need to yell at me, that I am not my sister. He apologized for getting carried away, and that was good. I didn't (and don't) hold it against him. I understand his position. It is just hard to accept. So, I just sat there like a goober, quietly crying, wondering if my mom and sisters are going to hate me. Then again, it's just as hurtful for me if they point their anger at DH, so I'm not sure that it matters who is getting the brunt of the negative comments.

During our conversation, DH came right out and said that we would not help my sister by opening our home to her family. He feels that she should have been more responsible, and that in his opinion, her children would be better off living with their father. More than anything though, he just doesn't want CPS coming here for inspections all the time. He has heard horror stories from his boss, about he was treated because he used spanking for disciplining his daughter. Add to that the fact that it will not be long before DD reaches compulsory school age, and he doesn't want us to have added problems with homeschooling. During the conversation, we did agree that we would save up the money and become members of the Home School Legal Defense Association. Aside from not wanting to enable my sister in her irresponsibility, DH doesn't want to support their family, or leave our child open to questions from any social workers who have no business with her (we also use spanking for willful disobedience, sometimes).

It's not that I disagree with him, or that I am giving him a hard time about the decision. DH most certainly has the right to tell my sister 'no'. It is just hard for me, having my mother pulling a guilt trip on me, and my sister looking to me as though I can just make something happen for her. I shared my worries with my mom, and she just made quick to tell me how she would help my sister no matter what, if she were in my position. So, I've been a little bit of a mess today, trying to keep myself together. I've been wracking my brain, trying to figure out different ways to help, without getting me into funkiness with DH. He still thinks that we can get her into a flat near us, since rents are real cheap here. My mom just sent little sister some money, so she should have enough to get into a place here. It's just a matter of whether or not she will save it, or decide to spend it on a lawyer. It wouldn't make any sense to do that though, because having a lawyer isn't going to help her keep her children living with her, if she doesn't have a suitable place for them to stay. *sigh*

I'm really upset about the idea of little sister's ex having the kids. He is such a mean and spiteful man, and I know that I wouldn't get a chance to visit with them. I have no legal rights, only being their aunt, and I don't know how they would work visitation with little sister. *sniffles* So, I probably won't get to see the kids, and neither will DD, until the time that little sister is able to get her stuff straight and fight to get her munchkins back. I'm not sure if she'll be interested in seeing me and having me visit anyway, after all of this.

All of the stuff that is going on has me in a bit of a slump. DH walks around as though nothing could possibly be wrong, and it is wearing on me and making me even more upset. It makes it seem as though he feels no empathy, or even sympathy, for the distress that I am experiencing. If he asks me one more time today "what is wrong", I think that I'm going to just grow snakes out of my head or something. I am sad, worried, frustrated, and completely impotent. How exactly AM I supposed to feel??

Anywho, today has been interesting all by itself. DD woke up before me this morning, and she thought it would be great to get into some trouble, I guess. So, she opened a tube of anitbiotic ointment that I had just gotten for DH (he cut his finger pretty bad), and she rubbed the ointment all over her skin and in her hair. I shampooed her head real good, but I still can't get it all out. I think that tomorrow, I am going to put dish washing detergent in her hair.

After getting DD cleaned up and properly scolded for fooling with medicine, DH and I cleaned up the computer room. It had become a cluttered mess, full of stuff that we didn't know what to do with. We had unpacked a lot of things from our move, but these odds and ends were kind of intimidating. Well, we went through the stuff today, and now the mess has spread it's tentacles into the rest of the house. *laughs* I swear that DH does that on purpose because he knows that I will expend all of my energy trying to get the house back to rights again. So, he doesn't ACTUALLY have to CLEAN a room, just move the mess elsewhere. He's funny. I don't really mind though, because spread-out mess doesn't bother me nearly as much as one big mess. If I can pick at it and have a sense of accomplishment in a few minutes, I'm happy. So, at least things will get done.

Early in the afternoon, I took a break from the cleaning and went off to the kitchen to get our dinner started. After stuffing a small pot roast, potatoes, carrots, and seasoning into the crockpot, it was back to the grind. Not long after, DH decided that it was time to go shopping, except that he had to go help someone at work for a minute. So, he dropped me off at the market, and he and DD went off to his workplace, promising to be back in about 15 minutes. Well, about 10 minutes after I had been standing outside, looking like a ninny, they showed up. *laughs* I was surprised though, how fast shopping goes by when I do it myself, and don't have to fuss with DD over every little thing. She's such a grabby, spoiled child. lol It seems like a strange statement to make, since folks tend to think that I'm some big, mean mommy. I tell her 'no' a lot. Then again, she asks about things SO OFTEN, that if I tell her 'no' 70% of the time, she still gets spoiled by the remaining 30% of yeses. Oh well, it must be that only child thing. She has nothing better to do with her time than to pester me. She derives wicked pleasure from it, as she would if she were torturing a younger sibling, only I'm about 6 times her age. lol I get my own though, because I'll send her to bed a little early if she bugs me too much, so she's careful to ride that fine line between annoyance and the insanity of mom. *chuckles*

Now it is quiet time. I finished cutting DH's hair, which is a real blessing. He has been looking very shaggy lately. My feet are sore and puffy, and my belly is full from dinner. So, I'd say that it is about time to pop in a movie and let my brain turn to mush for 90 minutes. I'm so "done" today that if I were a turkey, my thermometer would have popped hours ago. I am so insanely tired, both physically and emotionally, that heaven would consist of a movie, a cup of pudding, and a "I just turned into a lobster" hot bath. My only worry is that I'd trickle down the drain with the water.

AAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooo.............................