Proletarian

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

.::Reflections 9, 10::.

Sorry about the lateness of my post. My carpel tunnel has been acting up real bad. I'm here though!! Yay! For more insight on the book "Created To Be His Help Meet", please visit the following bloggies:

My Three Pennies, Walking Circumspectly, RosesandTeax2, and Stand Up and Walk

Reflections on ....

Created To Be His Help Meet

By Debi Pearl

Chapter 9

Finding Your Life in His

~From the beginning, God meant for us to be a comfort, a blessing,
a reward, a friend, an encouragement, and a right-hand wo-man.~

In this chapter, Debi talks a lot about how women so often have this idea of what their marriage and family life should be like, and they refuse to accept any change. To illustrate her point, Debi referenced the movie "Dad", in which an older gentleman talks frequently about a life and family that have never been his, except for in his mind. All of the things that he lacked so deeply in his life, he created for himself in a personal fantasy. I don't know about anyone else, but when my husband envisions his loving companion, I want my face to be the one that he sees when he closes his eyes.

Back when my husband was first deciding where he was going to invest his energy, I made some good choices. I am not sure if it is because I have always been less than wealthy, but it didn't bother me much, whatever he decided to do as a career. Some days, he wanted to go back into construction business. I never pressured him, but because he didn't want me worrying about him every day, he set that aside. Then we were on to auto mechanics. I don't know how he managed it, but my lovely man would leave work, spend time with me, and run off to school each evening until he just dropped from exhaustion. Finally, he found his niche with commercial maintenance, and he has really made it work for him.

If you love a man who physically labors at his job, I am sure that you understand what I mean when I stress how much I have to show my respect for my husband's hard work. If I were to sit back and complain that he doesn't have a "respectable enough" job or fuss over shopping at thrift stores, it would tear his heart right out. The fastest way for me to kill the spirit in my husband is for me to show or tell him that his work isn't good enough, that our life isn't good enough, that he isn't good enough. I just won't do that to him, whether he is turning a wrench, studying expense reports, or disposing of other peoples' garbage. If it makes him happy, then I will be happy for him. A large part of me 'finding my life in his' has been cultivating loyalty. I may not be as flexible a creature as I possibly could be, but I will follow him anywhere. I don't want my husband designing a fantasy wife, someone who loves him as he is, and embraces the life he works so hard to make for himself and his family.

"Adam commenced his rule of the planet before God created Eve to help him with his life's goals. Adam didn't need to get Eve's consent. God gave her to Adam to be HIS helper, not his partner. She was designed to serve, not to be served...."

Oh boy, it keeps coming back to that "it's not all about me" thing, again. It's funny how that happens. It took me a while to realize that our marriage wasn't going to be about my husband sacrificing to help me reach the goals that I had set for myself. More than anything, it was difficult for me to accept that there was an order to things, that we would not be sharing every role 50/50. My husband never sought to "put me in my place". My mostly Mr. Steady has only ever wanted peace with me, but I will admit that there were times when I would make war with him over silly things. For example, how many times did I fuss at him to help me wash the dishes or clean our home, even though he worked full time and was very tired when he came home? How many times would I stomp my feet like a child when my husband wanted to go and do something without me, like have a cup of coffee with an old friend? He certainly didn't need my permission, but I acted as though he did. Having a heart of service is something that I have really had to cultivate, but I am very happy with the results that I am getting. The more that I work on having a heart that is happy by helping my husband, the more joyful that I am, and the easier our days go. First, I had to get it out of my head that my husband was my errand boy.

Chapter 10

Reactions Define You

~A wise woman does not dream of what "could have been."
She does not see herself as "God's gift to men;"
therefore, she is joyful and content in her present circumstances.~

"Your reactions break you loose from your social inhibitions and manifest who you really are inside and what you really believe at your core level."

This has to be more than lip service. Who wants a hypocrite? I know that I don't want to be one. If what I show the world is not how I live my life when I am under pressure, then it is all a waste. If there has ever been a person in this world who knows when I am lying, it is my husband. Should I call myself a helper and submissive to my God, and also to my husband, it had better be true.

"The heart is filled with thoughts, and it is out of that reservoir of thoughts that the mouth speaks words of praise or bitterness."

I have had to do a lot of work on HOW I think of my husband, and how I view my service to him. Let me tell you, my adjectives have changed a great deal in the last couple years. *laughs* There were times that it was a struggle, but I would make a real point to think lovingly about my husband. If I hadn't worked so hard to change how I feel on the inside, the first time that tough times came along, my dear husband would have lost his head. I can be a real meanie when I forget about love. So, it has been a wonderful practice to take inventory of how much my husband loves me, what hard work he accomplishes to take care of me, and all of the things and ways that I love about him. Some days it wasn't so easy to think of things that I liked about him or our situation, but in time, I was able to have success over my bad attitude. It became easier and easier to view him as a beautiful creature with minimal flaws, rather than a big flaw for such a minimal creature.

"You are what you think, and God tells you how to think; Think the truth. This is not the power of positive thinking; this is the power of the truth as God defines it."

There has been so much relief in my life, after I realized that I didn't have to micromanage life and come up with all the answers, solve all the questions. God has already done that for us, and given us all we need to make the best out of life- the ultimate instruction manual. God's Word has been so revolutionary in my life, and one of the ways that this has worked for me was that there was no more guessing as to which way was right. Everything is pretty clearly spelled out. By embracing what God says about marital relationships, the Lord has worked some huge miracles in my marriage. So many people say "I'm only one person. I can't change the way that they treat me. I might as well find someone better." However, there will never be that perfect person who doesn't offend your sensibilities, who is never inconsiderate, and who gives you everything that you want (as opposed to NEEDS). No perfect human being exists, so a woman damns herself to a rather lonely existance if she crushes her man and their marriage because he just isn't good enough. However, there are many women who would be absolutely amazed at the changes that can take place, just by changing yourself. If you do what God wants, things will work out for the better. It doesn't mean that your husband will be "Mr. Perfect", he may never be as kind as what you think he should be. However, no matter how someone else treats you, you will know that God is pleased by what you are doing, and you have the assurance that the Lord sees every good deed and every wrong done. Sacrifice your own selfish wants on the altar of truth. God made a point to give us instruction; let's follow it. *grins*

Posted at 11:20 am by Jenna

	Posted by Rosesandtea @ 04/26/2005 11:50 AM PDT
	"No perfect human being exists, so a woman damns herself to a rather lonely existance if she crushes her man and their marriage because he just isn't good enough." Well said. I enjoyed your post today. God bless ~ Karen

	Posted by Kristen @ 04/26/2005 01:35 PM PDT
	"The fastest way for me to kill the spirit in my husband is for me to show or tell him that his work isn't good enough, that our life isn't good enough, that he isn't good enough." It is SUCH WISDOM to realize this. I pray that I will never make Ry think he isn't doing things well enough. "I don't want my husband designing a fantasy wife, someone who loves him as he is, and embraces the life he works so hard to make for himself and his family." AMEN, sister. Amen. "No perfect human being exists, so a woman damns herself to a rather lonely existance if she crushes her man and their marriage because he just isn't good enough." This whole post is so well-put, Jenna. Thank you. ((HUG))

	Posted by Holly Johnson @ 04/26/2005 01:45 PM PDT
	Thank you, Jenna. I love how you wrote that! I've read the commentaries today, and I did have one thing to say, and maybe get your reaction on.... My husband DOES serve me. I don't expect it, I don't demand it. I feel so honored and humbled when he does it, and I make sure to tell him that. He touches my heart in so many precious ways when he serves me thoughtfully. (puts a towel by the shower if he sees I've forgotten one...brings me a cup of coffee, says, "You don't have to pick those up, I'll get them," when I bend over to pick up his socks he's kicked off...so many ways, really. I don't know how it works in most homes...but this is how it works in ours, and it is incredible. I think the important thing is for me to never come to expect him to do this...and consider myself the most blessed woman alive when he does these things. I might add, that I make sure to let him know that I DELIGHT in serving him. I truly do. It pleases me so much to make his life easier.

	Posted by Holly Johnson @ 04/26/2005 01:45 PM PDT
	Sorry about your carpal tunnel, Jenna.

	Posted by Molly @ 04/26/2005 01:46 PM PDT
	Great post, Jenna! (Like I said, I'm so boring in my comments...all I ever say is, Great Post! But that's because ... it is one!)... Carpel Tunnel--ooooh, I have that too. I got one of those split keyboards, though, and it made ALL the difference! (Well, I was given one...probably couldn't have afforded it otherwise)... :o)

	Posted by mandy @ 04/26/2005 02:14 PM PDT
	Oh Jenna, thank you! Since I don't have the book yet, I love your reviews. I can see myself doing those things that are damaging, and I can see the reasons to stop it. Do you think that God is using you to speak to other wifees such as myself? I do. Thank you Jenna!

	Posted by Jenna @ 04/26/2005 02:43 PM PDT
	Oh goodness, I don't know that God is using me for anything in particular. I'm not saying that he isn't, but I'm not really aware. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. I am just glad that Debi Pearl has taken straightforward biblical ideals and written about them in such a way that it really captures the hearts of women who need the understanding to change, and to support those who are in the process. Holly- You know, while man wasn't made to serve woman, I'm willing to bet that the majority of men are serving their women every day. Even in situations where women are so self-centered that they don't see it, men will drive themselves and sacrifice in so many ways to provide for their woman. It may be through work, cooking dinner, picking up socks, or wrestling an engine into wifey-poo's car. I think that the only real difference is that women are called to understand the duty of giving submission and respect because of their role. Of course, this leads to service, when a woman has submission written on her heart. With men, it seems to be that their service is born out of their love for the woman they love. He may not have a duty to submit to her will that the kitchen be remodeled. If he chooses not to take on the task, then that is his right. However, because he loves her, not only does he remodel the kitchen, but buys her the beautiful appliance that she was privately longing for. He doesn't HAVE to, but he will..... Some people will say that men aren't that considerate and giving, but the more that I pay attention to individual men and their relationships, I see the same kind of care given when they are treated like men worthy of respect and love.

	Posted by Holly Johnson @ 04/26/2005 05:02 PM PDT
	Thanks, Jenna. I think you are right.

	Posted by Sal @ 04/26/2005 05:37 PM PDT
	<em>"If I hadn't worked so hard to change how I feel on the inside, the first time that tough times came along, my dear husband would have lost his head."</em> This is such a big part of it...how we think which effects how we feel. Goes back into Philippians 4:8. <em>Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.</em> This is a key to the whole thing. "No perfect human being exists, so a woman damns herself to a rather lonely existance if she crushes her man and their marriage because he just isn't good enough. " How many times I have come close on this thinking...God's way is so much better. Great post Jenna. Oh, I like your blog changes, too. Looking good! Blessings and {{{{Hugs}}}}

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