... « Proletarian

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

...

Before too long, it will be May. Wow, that particular month has been hard for me, and I am surprised that I am feeling bad ahead of time. I would say that for the last couple months, I have had this sadness flirting with me. It's such a complicated situation, and I wish that I really had someone to talk to.

This May, I have to contend with Mother's Day again, along with my sons's birth/death day. I know that it sounds odd to some people that I would be upset on Mother's Day, especially being that I have a beautiful little girl and my own Mama to think about. I'm not sure that I'll ever really enjoy the day though. Back when I was pregnant with my son, my mom was a real sweetheart, and she sent me a Mother's Day card before Trystin was born. It was the most darling thing, and I have always appreciated my mom's soft heart for those sort of things. There was no way for her to know that approximately a week later, my baby would die. When she went to my home to clean the bathroom (I was freaking out about having to clean up all the blood), Mom also put away a lot of the baby things that we had aquired, along with the card. However, no matter where she tucked the card away, the happy memory always pops into my head each year. It's a bittersweet thing, remembering such happiness and hope. I think that was the last time I ever felt that way about babies, even though I became pregnant with DD three months after Trystin died.

I love my daughter, and I don't want her to ever grow up feeling as though she got less of me, and that I wasn't tremendously happy to have her. I am. I'm so in love with that little girl that it scares me. Lately, I have had to make war with a soul-deep fear that she will get sick on me, and that she'll die. DH doesn't understand exactly how I feel, so we had a little bit of a problem the other day while visiting at my sister's house. I should have guarded my tongue better. I guess it shows just what is in my heart, at least in part, that I was so quick to bite back at him for allowing something that worried me so deeply.

Sis lives in a townhouse where the living space is located upstairs, above the garage. It is a lovely place, but because of that, the first flight of stairs is pretty steep. When I was a young girl, I had a bad accident at home, and I tumbled headfirst down a flight of stairs and had to be taken to the hospital. My mom was pretty freaked out because she was afraid that I had broken my neck, with the way that I had landed. I was hurt pretty bad, but nothing was broken. However, I am terribly protective of DD around stairs. I even fuss at DH about running up and down stairs, and carrying awkward things down to the basement. He thinks that I am being silly. Anyway, he let DD walk down the stairs all by herself, while carrying an oversized shopping bag full of toys. She was almost to the bottom of the stairs when I saw what was happening, but I still got that cold chill running down my back. I asked him why he didn't hold her hand, and he said that she was big enough to do it herself. So, I asked him how he would have felt if she would have fallen while trying to manage that large bag, and he said that if she got hurt, she would be more careful the next time. With the terrible image of my little girl lying at the bottom of the stairs, broken, I snapped at him and called him an idiot. I'm ashamed for the way that I reacted, especially in front of my sister and her boyfriend. I guess Sis knew that something was wrong, because she knows that I don't act like that. As I sat on the bottom stair, putting DD's shoes on her, I could hear Sis explaining about the bad fall that I took.

I'm not sure that it is the stairs really, but that I am just afraid. Every day of her life, I am afraid of losing DD. I know that she belongs to God, and that He can take her home whenever He chooses. I'm just having a hard time coming to grips with reality that it is all on His terms. There is nothing that I can do to protect my daughter enough, to be diligent enough. I really put myself out on a limb, wanting to love another child again, and I'm not sure how well I could handle it if she died before me. It's almost ironic that I find myself dealing with the emotions that I tried so hard to put away when I was pregnant with her. I could feel this little girl rolling around in my womb, but I couldn't connect with her. I didn't dream about what her life would be like, nor did I even ready her room. I didn't want to become close to her because I knew that the chances were so high that I would lose her, and it would hurt so much more. I didn't want to deal with it then, but I'm having to deal with it now. I am definitely attached and just in love with this little creature. Every time I see a commercial on tv about people killed by drunk drivers, I inwardly cringe. Every time the shows about St. Jude Children's Hospital comes on, I see DD in a bed with no hair, her eyes sucken in. I guess that is just the truth concerning such a vital condition as love. It leaves a bit vulnerable spot right in the middle of your heart.

You know, I thank God every day for loving me enough to take on flesh and die for me. I don't know how unbelievers live through traumatic events and want to bother with taking another breath. I have watched people around me die, and maybe it gets easier to deal with the reality of it on one hand. On the other, I would be tempted to live in debilitating fear every day of my life. But, I still let DD ride her bike down the sidewalk, even though a car could hop the curb. I still let her play with sticks, even though she could poke her eye out. Snow angels are still fun, even though she could get pnemonia. I still want her to find happiness in marriage, even though she could end up with an abusive man who might beat her. I hope the best for her in childbearing, though it has the potential to bring sadness and pain. I want her to have the best in the world, and beyond. I guess that is why it is so important to me that she knows about God and comes to love Him. Without God, there is no hope. If I had no reassurance that the people that I love would be cared for ok after death, I'm not sure if I could cope. God is such a "great guy" for loving us enough to take the real fear out of death. Of course, no one likes the thought of dying. I'm sure that in a lot of cases, it isn't a pleasant proccess. I'll admit to being a little afraid of how I will die, or those that I love. But, at least I know that it is just a doorway, and not the destination. It helps me to relax a little, and not get quite so worked up as I normally would. I guess that as for the remaining fear that I deal with, I've got to do a lot more praying. It's ok though. He hears me. He knows, and He understands.

Oh, and I wrote this like this on purpose....

Posted at 05:10 pm by Jenna


	Ste April 27, 2005 06:47 AM PDT Yea, I know you wrote like that on purpose. I@ve said it before, and have no doubt that I'll say it again - it's posts like this that make me want to live closer to, or visit you, so that there's somebody around to support and help you through these times, and let you deal with it how you have to. Even if it means looking after the munchkin whilst you get away by yourself for a few hours, take a walk, bike ride, or mayhap just sit in church - If you feel that bad, you need some 'me' time to yourself. That, By the by, is from personnal experiance. It might be a helpfull idea to arrange a chat with your priest from church, or mayhap your doctor - somebody who's trained to help you deal with these times. I know you have Mike, but often, a differing person can help in differant ways. Oh, and as for those 'unbelievers' faith who deal with these situations? I can't speak for them all, but this one is sociopathic minded, which means that I don't perticually feels when things do happen. But i've also become very good at just locking things away... which is another problem in itself.


	Teresa April 27, 2005 10:28 AM PDT (((((Jenna))))) My prayers are with you.


	Molly April 27, 2005 01:32 PM PDT I understand what you are talking about Jenna. I am very relaxed in some areas, but a nutcase in others simply because of my own background experiences. And it is VERY much a struggle to just 'let it go' and trust God with it. Just yesterday I was watching my children play out the window (and one of them was doing something NOT any more dangerous than anything else, just something I happen to freak out over due to a childhood mishap) had to remind myself that NOTHING could happen to my child unless God allowed it to happen...and I was actually able to not holler out the window at them to stop it but just let them PLAY. I wonder how much your son's death has to do with it, too. My little brother died a couple years before I had my first child, and it took me a little while to not obsess about her life...because that death made me aware that young people CAN die...and I really had to battle with whether or not I was going to trust the new little life to a God that might decide her time on earth was going to be shorter than I wanted it to be... I know that sounds really silly, but I honestly went through it... I finally took Psalm 139 and wrote it out, just inserting my daughters name into it all over. As she slept I read it over to her, bawling like a baby, and that was one of the most healing beneficial things I've ever done... Ok, children are ready for Mom--gotta run!


	Jenna April 27, 2005 03:14 PM PDT There are times when I think that I have too much "me" time. lol I'm not trapped by my life at all. I have plenty of freedom, so if I wanted to go for a walk or barricade myself in my bedroom for a few hours, I could. DH can see when I am feeling sick at heart, and he makes it possible for me to take time out when I need to dive into my prayer closet and live there for a while. You know, I think that what rocks me is that I forget the power of the Lord. I know that He is there for me, but my memory fades when thinking on all of the times that it has only been by His power that I have survived. When I dwell on how small I am, and I become afraid that I can't make it through if something happens. I forget that I don't have to tow the line. All I have to do is trust, and He won't leave me to be destroyed under the pressure. I'll probably always be a cautious mom. The big changes just need to take place on the inside of me, because it is very rare that anybody gets to know about the things that quietly bother me, like this. I just pray and pray that the Lord helps me with my lack of trust, and gifts me with increased faith. What I find interesting is that this stuff hadn't hit me so hard until I knew that DD was going to be my only child. Of course, God could always choose to suprise us, but I'm not holding my breathe or setting myself up for anything. Not only is DH not wanting to have more children, the Lord has done His own work in closing my womb (I'll leave out the details). Sometimes it just washes over me that this is it. If anything were to happen to DD, I won't have any more little arms to hug me. My family are slowly leaving, and taking their children with them. It's rough. I thought that maybe I could be useful to them, but it isn't quite working out like that. (to be continued.....)


	Molly April 27, 2005 06:46 PM PDT Yeah, I imagine I would have a more difficult time, too, if I knew that one child was likely to be my ONLY child. Isn't that sad--God, I'll only trust if you if I have a bunch...that way if You screw up on one or two, I"ll still have some left. Yeesh... The way my faithless heart works sometimes!!! Btw, Jenna, will you resend me your snail mail addy? I have a box for you and lost your address--I think it went out in a organizational purge with a lot of other small papers, actually, all because I didn't take the time to put it in my address book where it belonged (bad Molly!)...


	Jenna April 27, 2005 06:59 PM PDT I sure didn't mean it that way.


	Molly April 27, 2005 09:45 PM PDT Oh man, I hope I didn't sound like I was thinking YOU were saying that. (I'm feeling like my foot is in my mouth and down my throat at the moment)... I was just remembering when I had Judah and how I felt, that's all. And whapping myself upside my head for my stupid attitude! I'd not realized how much my younger brother's death and my skewed view of God ("He's out to get me" was my basic concept) would affect my parenting until she was born and didn't eat for her first five days (big nursing problems, and I didn't realize she wasn't eating until I discovered...she wasn't actually getting ANY food (she was nursing her tongue, not my nipple, and I was too dumb to know any better). Then our nurse-midwife berated me at her 2 week check up for bottle-feeding her (I was pumping to get my milk back and bottle-feeding in the meantime, just so she would get some food!), and THEN declared that the baby's head was swelling and that it was probably encephalitis (water on the brain), so I'm thinking our baby is dying or going to be retarded...and then she ALSO started projectile vomiting and we were told she was probably going to have to have this special surgery to fix it (and we have no insurance and are dead broke)... It was the worst three week period of my entire life, I think, and I was a total basket case. That was the time period where Jeff finally (and sweetly) challenged me (because I was tight as a KNOT) and said, "Molly...have you given her to God yet?" and I broke down like a baby and...and then realized that I'd NOT given her to God and had NO intention of doing so (after all, what if He wanted to take her to heaven?). That was when I had a big meeting with Yahweh and then did the Psalm 139 thing and all that and finally gave her up... Oh, and her head was fine, her vomiting stopped, and 2 weeks later she figured out how to nurse and my milk supply was back up. So...if you ask me...I think the whole thing was "staged" by Yahweh because He knew His Molly needed to grow up and learn to trust Him in whole new ways. :o) So this is a big long ramble but I'm trying to tell you what a stupid idiot I feel like because I was soooo NOT referring to you in my above post but just ramblingly recollecting to my untrusting self's past.


	Jenna April 28, 2005 10:54 AM PDT Okie dokie, pokie. :o ) hugs

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