I had some quiet time this evening, just laying on the couch and .....listening. I had been in the kitchen, praying for a while, but there became a point when there just were no more words. So, I laid down on the couch and was still. DD is such a sweetheart. She brought me her knew kitty doll for company, and dragged her blanket in from her bedroom, so she could cover me up. After "reading" me a story about sleeping beauty, she laid down on our other couch and was quiet for a bit.

All in all, I think that this fear over my child is my Isaac. As I lay there, I started thinking about what Abraham was told to do, how precious his son was to him, and how he still was willing to sacrifice him. The fact that the Lord stopped him and provided a lamb isn't the point for me, but that he was willing to trust the Lord with what he valued so very much. That can be a hard thing to do.

I am definitely no "super christian", or some person with extraordinary faith. I am just one small person, trying to make peace with life, and love God. There are going to be days when I take one step forward, and two back. No one gets it right all of the time, well, no one but Jesus. lol I think about Moses, whom God was going to kill because he did not circumcise his son when he should have. Even legendary leaders fall flat on their faces sometimes, and don't have their hearts in the right place. I'm not making excuses, but accepting that I will never be perfect. I will not always do or say the right thing.

There are some days when I am envious of women who have more children than I do. I should adjust my thinking, and simply be tremendously happy that I have a child at all. God could have just as easily closed by womb earlier, and I could have spent my life without these wonderful and trying experiences. I am so very happy for women who have been so blessed by multiple children, and such varying personalities to learn. I am astounded by the capacity that a mother's heart has, to wrap itself around every new child, to love each as much as they do the first. It is just amazing.

I do not feel any less blessed because I have only my daughter to raise. She is such a gift. Some days I worry that I dote on her too much, that somehow I will love her too much, and I will raise a brat. lol Maybe in some ways, I do seek to give her too much, as it is. It really hurts my heart when she tells me that she would like a brother and a sister. She is so innocent, and she doesn't understand how much her loneliness bothers me. I feel torn about homeschooling because we have such little money that we may not be able to afford lessons, classes, and social outings. With DH's approach to church attendance, I'm not sure what I can offer her there either. *sigh* I worry that my little girl is going to grow up lonely, resent me, and become rebellious against myself and God.

I guess I just worry too much. I understand that I am supposed to give it up to God, and then leave it alone. The Word is right on, that we have enough worry for today, without adding the worries over tomorrow. I am still trying to understand what are my responsibilities, and where God takes over and does His work. So long as I am trying my best and being diligent, is it possible for me to fail? Whether it is a physical accident or emotional turmoil, how much of the burden is right for me to shoulder? I am just mulling over things like this, trying to understand what is a lack of trust and faith, and what is simply the motivation to be a good and caring mother.

*sad laugh* I am not praying any where near enough. There are so many questions and uncertainties. I should be doing more seeking and knocking.....