Finding Myself in God, Finding Myself With My Husband

When growing up, a great deal of unintentional pressure was put on myself and my sisters. My father most likely did not know what he was doing, but each day he slowly indoctrinated us from infancy to adulthood. We were taught that our name was important, an honor, and it was stated many times that my father had longed deeply over a son to carry on our family name. Interesting enough, he was given only daughters.

As a child, I believed that my name was a large part of who I was, because it carried with it my ancestry. I was not taught to act with honor in all things because it is pleasing to God. Instead, I was taught that I should act with honor as to not disgrace my family name. I am sure that you can see where this would create a great deal of anxiety as I progressed toward marriage as an adult woman.

When I did marry, I chose to take my husband's name, because he told me quite plainly that it would hurt him deeply if I refused to carry his name. So, I put aside my own fears, and changed my name. My heart though, was in a poor place. I was deriving my identity in the wrong place.

It took me a long time, approximately 2 years, for me to have the revolution of heart to realize that my worth has nothing to do with the name that I carry. The Lord loved me before I was born, and if ever there was a worthy name to carry, it would the name of the One who loved me first, and loves me ALWAYS. Labels can be empty, but how could I wear the name of God upon my heart? I could choose to live according to His will, loving Him, loving what He loves, and finding displeasure at what He is angry or sorrowful over. Changing my heart was not a simple process, and it was far from painless. Instead, I felt as though I had the Lord's branding iron pressed into my very soul. The stench and hissing of the iron was the purging of my soul, God's Holy Spirit cleansing me and creating in me a revulsion against my flesh that longs after what is sinful.

How does this connect with my anxiety over my indentity within my marriage? I was able to look, with fresh eyes, up on the Word of God. What the Lord wanted from me became most important, far more important than my personal comfort. So, I stepped out on that limb and began to look at where I belonged. This lead me right to the reality that I am no longer one single person. When my husband and I consumated our marriage, we became one flesh. Whose name should this flesh have? Well, who is the head of our home? Ah.... the big authority/submission debate.

I won't go into the arguments that come every time that those two words are mentioned. Instead, I will simply express that my soul did not revolt upon reading God's Word. My flesh may have had problems, and still does at times. On the inside though, I knew what was right. With the reading that I had done, I had a lot to digest, the idea that I was made for my husband, to be his helper. It was a hit to my ego, but I had to take it in stride. My head was over-inflated anyway. If you are interested in reading more on my thoughts concerning woman's role and purpose, please take a look at my entries to the right, on the "Created To Be His Help Meet" book review/article series.

When I realized what a blessing marriage is, and how it mirrors Christ's relationship with His Church (and that includes me, in a very personal way), it completely changed how I viewed this unique bonding. Since I knew that I was created to help my husband, it only made sense that my name should express my bond with him. In honoring my husband and gladly wearing his name, I chose to honor the marriage that I entered in to. By honoring my husband, respecting his will, and caring for his feelings, I was honoring and respecting God. Hey, this is no small thing. What do I do when I honor and respect God? I wear proudly, HIS name on my heart. In the same way, my husband also wears the name of God emblazed on his heart, when he leans on God for the strength to be a righteous man, and to love me as Christ loves His Church. In spirit, the two of us walk the same path, seeking and longing after the Lord. In the flesh, we are bonded together in body and in name, for the world to see this small representation of a great mystery, the mystery of marriage between Christ and His bride (the Church).

The anxiety is gone. I know where I came from, but more important to me is WHAT I STAND FOR. I can have honor without the name that I was given at birth. More important is the honoring of the name that I was graced with when God's Holy Spirit came upon me and He showed me how to seek and love Him. I will always have a fondness for my family, and the ancestral roots that I have. History is amazing to me, and I love to delve into the great stories to be found. One day, I hope that my family will search out my identity, and will remember me when I am long gone. If anyone ever looks for me, I hope that they find so much more than the last name that I bore. I hope that what makes me remarkable is WHO I stand for. My wish is that when someone sees me now, or a hundred years from now, they see Christ.