Wow.

I did finally get around to calling my mom last night, though I didn't really want to. I love my mom, and I normally love to talk with her. However, I knew that this wasn't going to be a pleasant conversation. Mom was mad at me over an email that I sent her, expressing my concern over some things that she had said to me concerning divorce.

So, you know that it's going to be bad when the conversation starts out with "I want you to know that no matter how mad you get with me, I still love you". For as much as we talked, there was still that big division between us. She kept trying to get me to say that God would be understanding about divorce if the husband is a lazy jerk. I said no, she said that we would have to agree to disagree. Yeah, she wasn't very happy with me. She even brought up the fact that I had been ready to run at one time in my marriage, for reasons other than adultery. So, I did remind her that I am still here, that God convicted my heart on the matter, and even went so far as to give me the resources that I needed to improve my marriage. When she couldn't knock me down there, things got pretty nasty.

Even though mom had repeatedly said that she would take in my sister and her kids, but not my sister's husband, she suddenly began denying that she said that. I tried to keep the peace and suggest that while I clearly remember her saying that (even during this same conversation!), that I thought there must just be a miscommunication. She must have said one thing, and just meant it to come out in a different manner. It's happened to everyone from time to time. However, mom was not so kind as to keep it peaceable. She outright called me a liar, and then didn't understand why I was so upset by it. I told her that I refused to say the same about her, though I felt that there could be grounds for it. Instead, I respected her enough to give her the benefit of the doubt. However, it really hurts that she has such low esteem of me to repeatedly and blatantly call me a liar.

I thought that she was out of ammunition after that, and truth be told, I was pretty ready for the conversation to be over. However, then she started telling me how awful I am because I tell people that I am such a great Christian, as though I never sin, that I think I am better than everyone else. To illustrate her point, she brought up the emotional affair that I had with a male friend, whom I allowed to kiss me one day.

Yes, yes, I've never claimed to be anything but a wretched sinner, deserving of death. I have never once said that I am better than anyone else, or that their sin is worse than mine. In the reverse, I've always been pretty open when sharing and talking with people about the changing power of the Lord, using my own shady past to illustrate my points. I can't even count the number of people who know how close I was to leaving my husband, and possibly shacking up with any guy who would pretend to love me for a while.

I've made some bad decisions in my life, and I have never denied them. I don't seek to hide my sin from other people, because it was so integral in my growing process. To varying degrees, I am always learning and growing as a result of the Holy Spirit convicting my heart in any number of areas where I sin. I guess that the difference is that when I repent and ask forgiveness from God, He remembers my sin no more. However, my mother sure remembers, and isn't above punishing me for it years later. I just told her that both my husband and my Lord have forgiven me for it, and that it isn't anyone else's place to judge me or punish me for it now that I have repented and recieved forgiveness. That didn't make her too happy.

So, the long and short of it is- Salutations from me. I am a sinner. I always have been, and will be for as long as I walk this earth. I am always in a state of change, working to live my life according to God's Will for me. God's Word is my instruction manual, and I stick by it even when people call me names and insinuate that I am crass and unfeeling. What I am not, is a liar. I see no point in lying, and it serves no purpose but to bring on trouble, all aside from the fact that God sure doesn't like lying.

I think that what gets to me the most is that after mom was done rebuking me, after saying that I do not accept rebuke from anyone (I hadn't noticed), she expressed that she wanted this to be the end of the mess. She would like us to continue on as though nothing had ever been said. Now, while I think that it is admirable to want to have a good relationship no matter the hardships, I'm still struggling to see how I can feel that comfortable after she ripped me up one side and down the other. She was not sorry in the slightest over calling me names, and accusing me of being a liar. For as much as she may not like it, that is going to affect me. She thinks very low of me, and of course that is going to make things more difficult than they were. Maybe in time though, the edge will come off of it, and I'll forget.