Reflections on: Created To Be His Help Meet

by Debi Pearl

Chapter 1: God's Gift

Helper? Me?

If there ever was a concept that was foreign to me, it was that of being a helper to any man. From a young age, I had been indoctrinated by stalwart feminists, and taught that I had my own destiny that was far removed from anyone of the opposite gender.

I grew up in a home where God was mentioned from time to time, but the Lord was not integral to our lives. So, any questions I had pertaining to large "why am I here" questions, I had to deal with on my own. Unfortunately, there were only a small number of times that I could say that I had sucess in working through the language of the bible. I was just too young, and in need of some mature guidance.

Every time that I sat down to try and read through the bible, I began at the beginning. It does seem logical, even if it isn't the easiest way to manage such a feat at 10 years old. Still, I've read the story of creation many, many times. While I knew in what order God created his beasties, there was something that I missed very easily when I read about Adam and Eve. Without an understanding of adult relationships, it didn't make much of an impression on me that Adam needed a suitable companion, a helper. Those words were easily overlooked, until I became and adult and married.

I came into my marriage with many preconcieved notions, many of which were toxic to the marital relationship. I thought that being equal meant that everything was divided equally, and that also meant authority. I cannot even begin to tell you how many power struggles my husband and I went through during the first two years of our marriage. I truly had no understanding of the action of loving a husband, and the concept of service.

It took me a long time, lots of bible study, and the guidance of some very wise women, to help me reach a point where I wasn't always looking to "get my own" within my marriage. More than anything, I had to deal with the realization that there was nothing wrong with serving my husband. God did slowly convict my heart though, when I read through the creation story yet again, this time as a woman. I was somewhat shocked to come to the realization that woman was created in response to man's need. More to the point, I was created specifically to fill the needs that my husband had, even if he didn't know that he had them. *laughs*

My husband asked me the other day, "what do you want to do? What would make you happy?" He was quite shocked when I told him that I was doing today, what I want to do tomorrow. I am fulfilled with the work that I have been given as his wife, and the mother of our child. My husband chooses the ways that I occupy my time, though he isn't always aware. We hardly ever speak about what he has need of, because I do my best to anticipate what will make working through this life easiest on him.

Whether I am crunching numbers like a personal accountant, whirling a whisk at the speed of light as a cook, or nurturing a sick child, I am doing just what I want to do. My husband has a burden on his shoulders, to provide for us on so many levels, and to be an ambassador of Christ in the world. I too, am an ambassador, though my dress uniform consists of a cotton dress and an apron with a funny looking frog stitched on it. I have the honor of supporting my husband, caring for him in the physical sense, and also on more emotional and spiritual levels. Not only am I the seamstress that spends an extraordinary amount of time learning to darn a sock for a man with few clothes, I'm also the best friend that he turns to when his heart is full of hurt and tears are thick in his voice and on his cheeks. I am the dance partner and sing-along friend during happy times, a person to share jubilation with. God has given me the ability to be a haven to my husband, a safe place. Through this caring ministry, I've been able to show the light of Christ to many other young women who feel lost and lonely. Not only have I supported my husband in his daily walk, but he has enabled me to shine in a ministry that I had previously not known existed. I thank God that He created me to fill such a capacity, because it has been a true gift.

Chapter 2: A Merry Heart

If there has ever been a struggle in my life, it has been embracing the idea of having a merry heart. This chapter really struck home for me. As a woman who has struggled with chronic acute depression since childhood, have a merry heart was really quite difficult a concept for me to understand.

When my husband and I were newly married, we began our life together on different terms than couples usually do. Before we were married, we had lost a child. We had started out with visions of beautiful clothes and bright flowers, a summer wedding. However, a month before our wedding, we were struck a difficult blow in the death of the child that I was carrying, along with the reality that I could have easily died that day. The trauma of such an event put me into a real tailspin, and the depression that I dealt with nearly destroyed our marriage.

A couple years, and a toddler later, my husband and I sat down to a very difficult discussion one day. We were having terrible problems between us, and it was difficult to say if our marriage would last any longer. Something needed to happen. While I wasn't aware of it at the time, my husband gave me the key to really making him happy. He wanted my smile.

With the stress of burying a child, raising a daughter, fighting through power struggles, and confronting harmful sins in both of our lives, I had become a very dour person. There were days when I just would not smile. Ever. I still shake my head when I look at pictures that my husband took of me during this time. I can think of three photos, right off the top of my head, where I was holding our small daughter and scowling up at my husband as he took our picture. I was not a happy woman. Life was not going as I had thought it would, and things seemed too difficult to handle. My poor attitude was deeply rooted in my lack of faith and trust in the Lord, and I took it out on my husband on a daily basis. I made him pay for all of my insecurities and petty gripes, right up until the time when it looked like I was going to lose him. You know what he said to me?

I wish you would smile. If only you were happy, happy with me, then things would be better. I wouldn't do things that hurt you so much, if I didn't already feel like a failure in your eyes. I can never win with you, so I've given up.

I can't say that it has really been easy. After all, I do still have issues with chronic depression. Still, just knowing that I was the walking epitome of sorrow and hopelessness really convicted my heart. So, when I became peeved, I gave my husband the benefit of the doubt and smiled at him. When he did things that were sweet, I smiled at him and showered him in approval. When he messed up awfully, I cried with him, and then smiled as we reassured each other that things would be ok. No more grumbling from me, even if my dear husband really could get himself up off the couch and get his own soda. I was on my way to the kitchen anyway, and there's nothing better than hearing my well-loved husband gush over how good I am to him, when he is speaking with his friends. It isn't that I seek their approval, but that my husband feels so blessed by me that he would share his happiness with his friends.

Piece by piece, I have managed to trade my sorrows in for something that my husband finds so beautiful. I have never seen a man look so much like content kitty, purring and watching me with sleepy eyes and a playful twitch to his tail. Oh, that man just can't get enough of me. Woohoo! lol Is it that I'm doing something particularly great? Naw. I'm not the best housekeeper, cook, or mother. I'm just passable at these things. What gets him is my smile, and my acceptance. All he ever wanted was for me to be his bright-eyed girl, with a ready smile for him. I think I can manage that.......