I'm sick. :o (

I've been observing DH lately, and he is one sad man. Like many men, he doesn't talk about it much, but I can see that it is there. It may only be the split second that I catch his eye before he turns away, but I can see the tears shimmering there in such a quiet manner. I wish that there were more that I could do to ease his heart, but there is only so much that can be done when a man who is boyish at heart begins to wrap his mind around the reality of our own mortality.

Life has taken such dramatic changes since my love and I began our whirlwind courtship. We had both believed that we were adults. Having not been long out of highschool, we had our diplomas on display and our eyes were bright. We knew about all of the terrible things that went on in the world, but were not directly touched by them. We had believed we were mature, able to make wise decisions, and thought that things couldn't possibly be too complicated in this new adult world.

Today has been an "interesting" day, only qualifying as such because it is so odd compared to the norm. It is only my utter boredom and need of a quiet room that has me hiding in the computer room. For some reason, when we have gloomy days, I sleep too hard. I don't think that it helps that I have been having some pretty funky dreams, but more on that later.

So, when I woke up this morning, it was with much wimpering. Hello, massive headache, will you be staying long? *wilts* Because my eyeballs are about to pop out of my head in a terrible ooze, DD and I have spent most of the day in our pajamas, watching cartoons in bed. DH had to work, so there was no help to be had. When he did come home, he found that he had to go right back out to work, so I pleaded for him to bring food home with him so I wouldn't have to cook.

DH, being the wonderful guy that he is, came home with lunch alright. So, we all sat together in the livingroom, or at least I tried. Instead, I hung out on the couch while they feasted on the floor and threw seasoned french fries at the dog, who was in his kennel. When they tired of that DH had the marvelous idea to teach DD how to make spit balls. You can just imagine the yuckies that I am going to have to vacuum up from the carpet later on. lol The worst part is that while DH kept his quite dry, DD didn't "get" it and started chewing on her paper bits until they were disgustingly slimy. Oh yes, and then she turned around and hit me square on, with a spit wad. She thought it was hilarious, and it was difficult to pry the straw out of her fingers. I blame it on daddy though. He started it! lol I think he deserves a spanking, letting DD pick on me and pelt me with spit wads while my head is imploding. *chuckles*

Since DD then decided that I would make a good road for running her toy car on, I decided to hide away in here, away from the radio, away from toy cars, and away from DD and Skippy's barking contest. I should have locked the door. lol I am just so thankful for latest installment of Scooby Doo videos, and that DH put a tv in DD's room. Oh blessed silence. So, DD is happily occupied for a few minutes, and DH has gone off to work on our wittle red car, so we can put the cougar in the garage this summer. She (the car) is DH's project car, and he looks forward to stripping her down and rebuilding her into a tremendously beautiful and fast car. In the meanwhile, I get to use an elderly pontiac grand prix for my grocery trips and such. I still think that it is going to be more gas efficient than the cougar though, so I'm not minding. I just have to find a way to fit two carseats back there, for when I start watching my nephew.

Now, about those dreams...... I wonder what is going on with my brain. Some people say that you dream about things that you have rolling around in the back of your mind, but I just don't know about that. I haven't talked with DH about my sleepless nights because I think that he would take things the wrong way, and I would just feel even worse. However, he notices that I am not feeling well, and that the lack of sleep is wearing on me.

I love my husband. Anybody who knows a whit about me, also knows that. DH is definitely not Mr. Perfect, but he's perfectly fine for me. I am more than content with him, and have found a deeper and more meaningful love with him than I have ever experienced. Now, that said, it is causing me some distress that I have been having dreams about someone that I was once involved with. He had been my first love, and I regret to add, a previous lover. My husband knows this person with whom I was close with, and he has some prickly feelings towards him. With that stage set, I'll admit that these dreams that I am having are of the more intimate kind, though not necessarily sexual.

I guess that I kind of feel betrayed by my inner thoughts, and become upset by the guilt that they cause. I do not want any different than what I have been given. To be quite honest, if I ever stood the chance of meeting up with this old flame again, I would run in the other direction and not look back. He represents a lot of shame for me, because I allowed him to have such a manipulative control over me that I would have even taken him back after knowing what he had done with other girls, after he said that he wanted to marry me. I had always hoped that I would have more self-respect than to tag after a guy like a lovesick puppy. Having more maturity now, I recognize the kind of person that he is, and I have heard the bad things that he has reaped through his behavior. I actually feel sorry for him, to some extent, but would never wish to get tangled up in him again even if I had never married. So, it seems so out of place that these stupid dreams would come upon me while I sleep. I wake up doubting myself, clinging to my husband, and questioning whether I deserve to have him. What is some part of me is causing this? Is this what I want, that it keeps coming to me?!? Am I really such a bad person to be thinking of such things while I lay in bed with my husband, whom I love a great deal? It eats at me, and I wish that I could burn these things out of my brain. I will chalk it up to another one of those reasons people should share with teen girls, when they ask why they should bother to wait until marriage before they have sex. All in all, I don't know what to do with my feelings, and I can't talk with DH about it because he gets insecure and jealous when the past is brought up, no matter the context.

I don't blame DH for being upset when thinking on things that have happened, and neither should anyone else. Some bad things happened, and if it wasn't for DH refusing to loosen his grip on me, I probably would have gone off the deep end after much abuse from my ex. DH and I both bear some pretty deep scars over that whole experience. I don't want to hurt him any more, and I know that it would cause him to doubt himself if I talked with him about this. It makes me so sad and angry to have these stupid and awful thoughts intrude on my marriage and cause me all of this guilt. It makes me sound so sick, to think that any guy could have such an iron-grip on my life through his mental and emotional abuse. I have prayed and prayed that God would intervene and help me put this stuff behind me so it doesn't damage my marriage any more than it has in the past. I do kind of wonder why I can have times of such relief, and why there are other times when I feel so tormented. I am so tired and hurting today, but I dread the idea of going back to sleep, only to wake up feeling restless and upset.

So, I'll let you in on the interesting day that I have had.

First, I managed to get through all of my grocery shopping with my little magpie, who never has a quiet moment in her life. Yes, I mean that. She still makes noises when she sleeps, including the sucking noise that I find so disturbing, because it means that she still won't stop sucking her thumb even though her tooth is crooked. God was with me today, because there became a point in time when I really wanted a roll of duct tape and a volume control button. *chuckles* Worse yet? She's just like me. The only difference is that my mom called me "motor-mouth". Vroom-vroom.

After getting the groceries into the house and searching madly for all of the frozen/cold stuff, I remembered that ........oh yeah, the new rules say that you have to have your new license plate tabs on the first of the month, or you are late. It used to go by the date of your birth. So, I stuffed the food into the fridge, made DD a peanut butter sandwich on a hotdog bun, and we ran for the car.

I don't know how mom's with multiple children ever make it through Secretary of State. Honestly, I spent most of my waiting time wishing that I had though to bring DD's old stroller. Aside from the fact that it is a portable seat (since there was only one chair open), it also has straps that I can use to force her to stay in one place! lol Instead, she sat on my lap and showed no sign of stopping the quirming, wriggling, and begging. She wanted to get up and run around the room like a nut, not understanding that the dour-faced ladies behind the counter would happily ask us to leave if I didn't keep her quietly contained. Did I mention that we had a terribly long wait, and that multiple people would have loved a convenient excuse to explode in bad manners? Oy.

We did make it through our visit with the grumpy ladies though, and without much incident. After a couple firm words to DD, she seemed to settle down, and we played a version of I-Spy, recited the alphabet, and worked on counting. That was so much better, and at least I had something to do other than staring at the ugly panelling in the room, and wondering if the older lady in front of us knew that the top of her stockings was showing through the slit in her skirt. *twitches* I am a pretty patient person, but that was a LONG wait.

So, we get to the counter, and DD thinks that it is time to start acting up. You know, she tried to hide underneath my skirt?!? Really, she lifted up my dress and tried to slip between my legs. It's a good thing that I'm so scarred from an unintended flashing incident as a child that I wear leggings under my skirts. lol Do you know what it does to a girl to fall down and have the neighbor boys teasing her about having seen her nickers? Oy. *shakes head, laughing* So, I shooed DD out of there, and made her hold onto my sweater while I signed all of my papers. Thankfully she even sat still while I was having my picture taken for my new license.