Proletarian

Thursday, April 14, 2005

To Make A Day

DD and I get the day to ourselves today. I'm not exactly sure what we are going to do, but I think that I will search the web for places to go that are within walking distance of our house. I know that I want to walk to the market and pick up a little something to supliment dinner, and just to peek my nose around. We haven't been to this market before, and I'd like to get a feel for it, since I will most likely be where I go for milk and bread. My car has rebelled against me, and is not working for the time being. Or, more to the point, it isn't working well and DH has asked me not to drive it. So, DD and I get more exercise, by walking places.

Speaking of the places to walk, I'm going to see about going to that Nazarene church this evening, since DH won't be home until the service is over. I'm going to TRY, but I haven't quite gotten a good grasp on how far the walk is. I know where the church is, but I might have to put DD in her stroller so she doesn't get tired. It is probably a 30-40 minute walk. I don't mind the walk, but she has short legs and all that. lol

DH is working real late this evening, something that he 'forgot' to tell me until real late last night. Being the work in progress that I am, I made a point to mull it over, and then decide to not bother expending the energy to be bummed about it. He was home late last night too, because he wanted to go tool shopping, so I haven't been able to spend much time with him. It's ok though. I'll see him before bed, and again tomorrow. In the meantime, I will just find "girl things" to do with DD. Maybe we will go to the dollar store, since I still have some birthday money left. I'm mourning over the loss of one of my bike-cart wheels that was accidentally thrown away during our move. If I still had it, I could pedal us all over town without it taking so long, or so much energy.

Posted at 10:43 am by Jenna
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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Disappointment

I've been a disappointment today, though it was no fault of my own. Apparently, my Christianity is inconvenient.

It is so sad, to see people that I love so willing to throw away blessings because of their critical heart and unforgiveness. I was approached today, seemingly as a shoulder to "cry" on, though it really amounted to venting anger.

Knowing that I was going to have my company today, I prayed before she arrived, asking God to give me the right words. I really wanted her to hear God speaking, and not my own foolish woman's heart, which can act so stupidly. I understand her hypersensitivities, holding on to percieved hurts, and making mountains out of mole hills. I've done it before, a lot. I guess that is why she believed that I would support her in tearing apart the man who has been loyal to her and has worked himself so hard to provide for her and their child. I just wouldn't do it, and she became upset.

I am so careful with this young woman, because she is not a believer. It doesn't mean that I side-step the truth though, and since she seemed to be pushing me for a response, I did the best that I could. I wish that there was a way for me to know if my calmness and soft words reached her heart at all, or if she is still going to tear apart the family that they have made together over such trivial things as she ranted about. I tried so much to impress upon her that not long from now, she would look back and realize that this was really such a small issue in the whole scheme of things.

She wanted me to tell her that it was the right thing to do, to leave this man. I reminded her that it would be unfair to deprive her child of his father, but she doesn't have a heart of sacrifice. She believes that having a part-time father is fine, so long as she doesn't have to "be miserable" for the "rest of her life". The more the melodrama continues, I wonder who is doing the real suffering, and who will pay the price for her selfishness. There were no children involved when she decided to divorce her husband, but this relationship is so different. But, she has no understanding of the damage that she will cause her child because she expects her man to bow before her and to never do anything wrong to offend her sensibilities. She will never find a man like that. She says that she would rather be alone, but I don't believe that she understands the gravity of the statement. She may feel that way now, while she is in her 20s, but I wonder how she would feel in her 50s as a tired single mother who has no one to give her the love she will need. Men may want to have a fling with a 20 year old, but I haven't noticed things working quite the same way later in life. It's all emptiness for those who choose to make themselves unloveable to other people, but she won't face it. It is always someone else who is doing wrong and causing hurts. What she won't acknowledge is that she is hurting herself and stealing away a great chance at happiness.

I know how this young woman is, but even my appeals to her motherhood wouldn't touch her hard heart. I guess that she figures they will get on just fine so long as I agree to be her full-time babysitter so she can have the "freedom" of a job, and her own money. It won't feel like freedom when her child hardly knows her, and isn't full of smiles when it is time to go home with her. I can't make her see this, and it is very hard on my own heart. She is being a fool, and I am powerless to stop the path of destruction that she is running down.

That one sentence summarizes our entire relationship these days, the constant struggle between us. We want to be friends, at at the same time she is fighting me, and I am fighting for her. I cannot persuade her to make the better choices, and unless God works a miracle in her heart, she will most likely go to hell. That hurts. Still, I find myself identifying with Jesus when He went to His home, and the people would not listen to Him because they knew Him. Those I love dearly find me so easy to dismiss because they know me, and my testimonies mean nothing to them. No matter how much wisdom the Lord graces me with for a moment, my words will never be heard because they know me. It's really a kind of depressing thought. But, the best that I can do is pray for her. Maybe things will change, in God's own time. For the moment though, she is angry with me and didn't even offer the customary kiss on the cheek as she packed up her stuff and left. She's disappointed that I wouldn't agree with her and support her position, but hopefully if *I* remain steady in my course, she will realize that I mean what I say. I'm not giving her empty words, but a reality that I try to live every day, even when mountains ARE mountains, and not mole hills. Hopefully her anger will be short lived, and she'll talk with me soon. In the meantime, I pray that her man has patience and enough loyalty to their family to stick with things even when she is being a pain. Oy.

Posted at 10:30 pm by Jenna
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New Additions!!

Today, DH took me to our good pet shop, and helped me to pick out new additions to our furry little family!! My mom had sent me a few dollars for my birthday, so I put it to use, filling our empty rodent cage.

I was suprised that our baby rats only cost $2.99 each. So, I had enough money to buy our babies some good food, a new water bottle, and a hamock to sleep in.

Anywho, this is Olivia a.k.a. "Speedy". She earned her nickname very quickly (no pun intended) because she managed to get away from DH and she ran behind our fridge. Yes, she scared the crud out of me, and I was pretty freaked out while DH pulled out the fridge and went back there after her. Thankfully, DH was able to fetch her. I was so worried that she would get stuck somewhere and die. Woo! That'll teach us, for wanting to handle babies too quickly after just coming home from the shop.

Next, we have Samantha. We are calling her "Sammy" for short. It may be hard to tell by the poor picture quality, but she has the prettiest fur. She is the softest butter-cream color and white mix. DH saw her and just thought she was adorable.

Sammy is the more calm of the two rodents, and was the easiest to hold. She spent about an hour, nestled in the pocket of DH's shirt, grooming herself. A real quiet lady, Samantha seems content to just enjoy life at a slow pace, even when Olivia is standing on her head. lol

My intention was to only buy one rat, but DH suggested that we get too, because they are such social creatures. Because I decided that I wanted female rats, it works out well because they are a little smaller than the boys. We have a decent home for them, but I would still want more room to move around if we were to put two boys in there. I hate to see animals cooped up. Maybe that is why I liked to take Henry to the park so much, so he could hop around in the grass and play tag with me.

After Henry, the girls seem so very tiny to me. They are very young, and very small. After hefting that big guy around so much, I'm slightly afraid to hold on to them. DH jokes that they are the size of gerbils. And to think that he tried to talk me into getting mice while we were at the shop. Goodness! lol I told him that I would worry that the critters could get out of our cage because they were so tiny. I'm just not used to baby animals. lol

Anyway, I am really glad that we were able to get the girls while they are still very young. They are already becoming more accustomed to being handled, and I will be diligent to handle them every day. The only other option that I would have had was to drive way out, to visit a rattery. While that would be wonderful, to have a ratty that has been handled since birth, it just didn't make much sense to make the long drive. So, instead we chose to keep someone(s) from becoming snake food. As it is, DH already had to remind me about that, when I asked a clerk why he would put an adult rat in a paper bag upon sale. DH just leaned over and said, "he's food". I confess, I'd have a real hard time eating meat if I had to kill it myself. I still think that I could kill chickens though, sometimes. They would have to be ornery chickens. I might even be able to eat beef if I got cow-kicked. *chuckles*

Posted at 12:05 am by Jenna
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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

.::Reflections 5,6::.

Reflections on...

Created To Be His Help Meet
by Debi Pearl

Chapter 5

The Gift of Wisdom

-Do you have enough fear of God not to question his Word?-

Maybe there are women who understand more fully why they were created, and they did not struggle as much as I did. I haven't actually met one of these women, but I would like to think that not every Christian woman begins her marriage in ignorance and/or rebellion.

As I've stated many times, I was just not this ideal woman. More to the point, I can choose every day if I am going to react positively to God's heirarchy and design, or if I am going to stomp my feet and bemoan not having a greater position of authority. There have been plenty of times when I have placed myself in the role of victim and complained that my husband didn't deserve my tender care. The truth of it all really snuck up on me one day, and is reaffirmed for me numerous times while reading this book.

This isn't neccessarily all about my husband and myself. The Lord wants me to honor my husband and help him in this life as a means of honoring Christ, himself. Regardless of how loving and attentive my husband is, I still have work to do. I do not get a free pass, just because there are days when life doesn't go the way that I would like it to. It can be hard though, knowing what God would have me do, and then coming up with the strength to carry out what may seem inpossible. Some days, it seems like the job is simply too difficult to accomplish, and on those days it really shows what motivators drive me and what is important in my life. I don't know about anyone else, but at the end of the day, I want to be able to say that love of God fueled my fire and by the grace of the Lord, I was able to do what is right.

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men (and women) liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." James 1:5

How is it possible that a woman can know the truth of God's design concerning women? Of course, the answer is by reading His book. *grins* As Debi points out, there are plenty of "scholars" who are very eager to do away with any idea of submission, or that a woman could ever have a role helper instead of higher authority. I agree wholeheartedly with Debi, in that the bible speaks pretty plainly, and that the message is consistant through the bible. So, then we just have to decide what we are going to do with it. Are we going to heed thet Word of God, or are we going to try and decide what is best for us? Do we trust God? Do we love God enough to turn over the reins of our life and accept that our lives are no longer our own, as born-again children of our Almight God?

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing". Ephesians 5:22-24

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord" Colossians 3:18

"But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God." 1 Corinthians 11:3

God gives us the wisdom that we need in learning how to work according to His will, within our marriages. All we have to do is pray and ask for this amazing gift. By reacting to my husband according to the guidance of God's wisdom, there have been great changes in my heart. I have been able to live with more joy in my heart, and it has not only made me much happier, but that happiness has had a profound effect on my husband. Because I made the purposeful effort to stop letting my emotions rule me, and to instead put my trust in the Lord, miracles have been worked within my marriage. If I had continued on as I were, I do not doubt that I would be a divorced mother right now. I thank God for His wisdom that He shares with me as I ask, and for the guidance of more experienced women who have already taken the plunge in placing God first in their marriage.

Chapter 6

The Beginning of Wisdom

-We live under a law of sowing and reaping that is as certain and unrelenting as disease and death-

Ooooo....... even the word "Fear" makes my hair stand on end. Still, I enjoy what Debi has to say about fear being a motivator in this chapter. As she puts it:

"Wisdom is concieved in a strange place. It is fathered by fear."

How many times do you hear that these days? I don't know about anyone else, but I just don't hear talk like that where I am. Ever. If I want to hear a sermon that mentions judgement of God or dealing with consequences for stepping outside of God's will, I had better put my walking shoes on. In our society, so many churches have become hesitant to "offend" people that much guidance from God's Word is being purposefully overlooked. Where I am, feminism runs ramant, so much that I know a brother in Christ who dared make a comment about submission, and then quickly admonished HIMSELF, for fear that our peers (not to mention, his wife) would take him apart. I would definitely say that there is something wrong with this picture. I would submit to people that in this society, while many people are living without a fear of God, but are still living in fear none-the-less. Instead of trembling on our faces before God, we are laying down before our popular society and caving to their expectations instead of the Lord's. Hey, that makes me pretty fearful. If I am going to put anyone in my heart, to have a place of such fear and reverance, it's going to have to be God. Society may shun me and persecute me, but what is the alternative? I fear the judgement of the Lord much more than mankind. To be honest, I don't fear God's wrath so much as I fear His disapproval. In my heart, I really do view God as my Father in Heaven. I never could stand to see the look of disappointment on my earthly father's face when he looked at me. Can you imaging how much more strongly I feel about God? I would much rather have the words "well done, good and faithful servant".

"But our actions and reactions do indead reap painful results in this present life as well as in eternity." Debi Pearl

In this chapter, Debi talks about how important it is to fear the Lord and to make changes in our lives accordingly. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and if I want to have that wisdom, I had better get my heart in order and make God important to me.

One revelation that Debi shares, is that her heart became convicted that she needed to heed God's command in "the aged woman...teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands..." (titus 2:3-4) Trying to teach older women was not having a very pleasing result, and so she realized that she had to reach women when they were still young and more willing to learn. What I took away from this is that I need to make changes in my life NOW, and not put them off for another day, when I may already have hardened my heart toward the Lord in one manner or another. There is not time to waste. I do not want to be an angry old woman, unable to find peace in life because I wanted to make a war, and not a Godly marriage.

Another area of this chapter really struck me, as it probably has many women. It is hard reading about a wife who tries to manipulate her husband because she feels that she is more 'spiritually minded' than he is. Instead of giving herself over to her husband's authority, she fights and says that she will not be subject to a 'carnal man', while not recognizing her own sinfulness in her deathgrip on rebellion. I'll tell you that I don't want to be that woman. Ooo! I run from that woman!! Of course, I run so quickly because a part of me recognizes that same attitude lurking in the recesses of my own heart. It has been a hard row to hoe, destroying that destructive notion that I know better than everyone, especially my husband, and even God. Pride and selfishness are awful, and having that fear of the Lord has gone a long way to stomp on that sinfulness. I've read enough on how God deals with those who are prideful and selfish, those who think that they know so much more than He does. I can't tell you how many times that I've prayed for God to save me from myself, and the evil things that my heart is capable of. Lord save me! lol

No one really likes a mean-spirited crazy woman, and that is what I would sound like if God were not walking me through my marriage and helping me to correct my missteps. So long as I hold tight to Him, there is victory. I have been that "crazy woman" before, and I definitely wouldn't sign up for it again. I think that what we do need to keep in mind though is that there isn't JUST judgement from God when we act like idiots. It is right to have fear of the Lord. Likewise, it is right to turn and ask forgiveness for sins also, so you can begin anew in your marriage. While this particular point wasn't addressed in this chapter, I felt like adding my own note. We know that our God is not only a wrathful God, but also a God of mercy. Just because we may have failed miserably as help meets, it does not mean that what was awful must stay awful. Now is the time to do as Debi suggests, in practicing doing what is good so that it becomes natural to us.

For some wonderful chapter reviews on "Created To Be His Help Meet", please visit My Three Pennies Worth ,Walking Circumspectly, and Roses & Tea2!

Posted at 10:36 am by Jenna
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