Finding Myself in God, Finding Myself With My Husband

When growing up, a great deal of unintentional pressure was put on myself and my sisters. My father most likely did not know what he was doing, but each day he slowly indoctrinated us from infancy to adulthood. We were taught that our name was important, an honor, and it was stated many times that my father had longed deeply over a son to carry on our family name. Interesting enough, he was given only daughters.

As a child, I believed that my name was a large part of who I was, because it carried with it my ancestry. I was not taught to act with honor in all things because it is pleasing to God. Instead, I was taught that I should act with honor as to not disgrace my family name. I am sure that you can see where this would create a great deal of anxiety as I progressed toward marriage as an adult woman.

When I did marry, I chose to take my husband's name, because he told me quite plainly that it would hurt him deeply if I refused to carry his name. So, I put aside my own fears, and changed my name. My heart though, was in a poor place. I was deriving my identity in the wrong place.

It took me a long time, approximately 2 years, for me to have the revolution of heart to realize that my worth has nothing to do with the name that I carry. The Lord loved me before I was born, and if ever there was a worthy name to carry, it would the name of the One who loved me first, and loves me ALWAYS. Labels can be empty, but how could I wear the name of God upon my heart? I could choose to live according to His will, loving Him, loving what He loves, and finding displeasure at what He is angry or sorrowful over. Changing my heart was not a simple process, and it was far from painless. Instead, I felt as though I had the Lord's branding iron pressed into my very soul. The stench and hissing of the iron was the purging of my soul, God's Holy Spirit cleansing me and creating in me a revulsion against my flesh that longs after what is sinful.

How does this connect with my anxiety over my indentity within my marriage? I was able to look, with fresh eyes, up on the Word of God. What the Lord wanted from me became most important, far more important than my personal comfort. So, I stepped out on that limb and began to look at where I belonged. This lead me right to the reality that I am no longer one single person. When my husband and I consumated our marriage, we became one flesh. Whose name should this flesh have? Well, who is the head of our home? Ah.... the big authority/submission debate.

I won't go into the arguments that come every time that those two words are mentioned. Instead, I will simply express that my soul did not revolt upon reading God's Word. My flesh may have had problems, and still does at times. On the inside though, I knew what was right. With the reading that I had done, I had a lot to digest, the idea that I was made for my husband, to be his helper. It was a hit to my ego, but I had to take it in stride. My head was over-inflated anyway. If you are interested in reading more on my thoughts concerning woman's role and purpose, please take a look at my entries to the right, on the "Created To Be His Help Meet" book review/article series.

When I realized what a blessing marriage is, and how it mirrors Christ's relationship with His Church (and that includes me, in a very personal way), it completely changed how I viewed this unique bonding. Since I knew that I was created to help my husband, it only made sense that my name should express my bond with him. In honoring my husband and gladly wearing his name, I chose to honor the marriage that I entered in to. By honoring my husband, respecting his will, and caring for his feelings, I was honoring and respecting God. Hey, this is no small thing. What do I do when I honor and respect God? I wear proudly, HIS name on my heart. In the same way, my husband also wears the name of God emblazed on his heart, when he leans on God for the strength to be a righteous man, and to love me as Christ loves His Church. In spirit, the two of us walk the same path, seeking and longing after the Lord. In the flesh, we are bonded together in body and in name, for the world to see this small representation of a great mystery, the mystery of marriage between Christ and His bride (the Church).

The anxiety is gone. I know where I came from, but more important to me is WHAT I STAND FOR. I can have honor without the name that I was given at birth. More important is the honoring of the name that I was graced with when God's Holy Spirit came upon me and He showed me how to seek and love Him. I will always have a fondness for my family, and the ancestral roots that I have. History is amazing to me, and I love to delve into the great stories to be found. One day, I hope that my family will search out my identity, and will remember me when I am long gone. If anyone ever looks for me, I hope that they find so much more than the last name that I bore. I hope that what makes me remarkable is WHO I stand for. My wish is that when someone sees me now, or a hundred years from now, they see Christ.  

Oh, it was a beautiful day today. I'm not even sure how hot it was, though I know it was somewhere in the low to mid 70s. What a blessing. The last time we had weather so nice, the next day we had snow. Michigan is weird. Anyway, we got a lot done today!

This morning, we slept in late, just because we could. It is nice when we are all snuggled in and then run to the livingroom at 11am to watch Yu-Gi-Oh. Oh, yes, so we are one of those terrible families that watch television. *laughs* This particular cartoon is a guilty pleasure of mine and DH's. We watch faithfully every week, and tape the episode when we have to do something else. Have I mentioned that DH and I have dueling decks, and that we like to take turns whooping each other? *laughs* Yes, we are geeks. It's ok.

After cartoons were over, we all got dressed and went off to our various activities. DD spent most of her time outside, playing in the yard, and running around with the neighborhood kiddos that live two doors down. I did a lot of cleaning today, again, and some yard work. I did take a break in the middle of the day to stand at the curb for the ice cream truck though. That is one good thing about only having one child, that we can afford $1.75 for an ice cream with bubble gum eyeballs.

Oh, I did make an awful mistake today though. You see, I thought that I would do something so COMPLETELY out of character, and I wore a sleeveless shirt today, under my jumper. I thought that I would keep cool better while working. Now I have bright red shoulders, and the skin on my arms feels about 2 sizes too small. DH is teasing me. It was really dumb to go from PALE to LOBSTER. Ouch. So, I'm slathering on lotion and pouting at myself. But, at least I have my flower beds!

I spent some time in the front yard today, working my hoe until my hands started feeling blistery. I did so much work that DH felt motivated, and he carried loads of bricks up front, and bricked in my flower bed. Oh, that man loves me. He has to, to carry bricks by the bucket load, from the garage. We need a wheelbarrow. But, it looks lovely, at least compared to the dirt pits that were there before. Now all I need to do is to come up with some flowers. lol

DH was successful in cutting down the rest of the crab-apple tree trunk today. That thing was a real trial to cut. But, it is finally gone, and DD likes to jump on it as though she can pound it down into the ground. Weird. lol Industrious guy that he is, DH even worked on the little red car today, and got it running better. He was able to take it around the block without it stalling on him. That's an improvement, anyway.

I'll admit that I had a little fit of temper this evening. DH was empathetic though, so it didn't cause any problems. I had called my dad to invite him over for dinner, when I found out that he was out at the marina. So, I was going to hang up with him when he suddenly decided that he could finish soon enough, and that he would be over for dinner at 6:30pm. So, I hurried and put DD in the tub. I also made my ranch chicken, homemade biscuits, peas, and corn. The table was all set, and I was done right on time. I waited for a half hour, trying valiantly to keep dinner warm. I finally called just after 7pm, and dad was just washing his hands after working. He said that his girlfriend was already cooking, so he wasn't going to be coming over. *sigh* Why couldn't he have called BEFORE dinner was done, to tell me that? Why couldn't he have called BEFORE I tried so hard to keep dinner warm, making my family wait for him? Sometimes my dad really upsets me. I invite him over every so often, just because it is important to me, and if he isn't blowing me off for silly reasons, well.... apparently he is standing me up. At least DH was happy because he could eat portion sizes as big as he wanted, because of the extra food that I had prepared.

The rest of the evening has gone well though. DD is asleep, and DH has just gotten home from the video store. I had better go and watch the evening news with him. It's one of our "things".....

*laughs* I said that I wasn't going to visit the internet today, but I am here. DH is outside, working on our little red car. DD tired herself out so much that after I gave her a bath, she wanted to watch her ABC video, and ended up falling asleep. I tried to wake her up, but she's having none of that. lol Oh well, it's Friday. It's no big deal.

So, since I have some time to myself, I figured that I would write about my day before everyone comes in or wakes up. It has definitely been interesting. I started out with a list of things that I wanted to do, and I'm not sure if I actually accomplished any of them. However, I did have a very good day. It HAD to have been a very good day, because I feel like smiling, and I'm so exhausted that I need to type to keep from falling asleep. *chuckles*

My day started late today, just because. *nods* That is one good thing about having an independent only-child, that mornings are usually pretty easy. This morning, I just laid there in bed, enjoying the way that the sunshined bathed the bedroom. I was awake, and content to just lay there and soak it all up. If there is ever a time when I am most apt to be the most content, it is during those first few minutes when I am thinking about coming out of my cocoon of blankets. This morning, DD and the dog both wiggled under the blankets, and we all laid there with the coverlet over our heads. I know, we're weird. Then DD ran off to watch cartoons, and the dog and I gave each other lazy looks and just snuggled deeper into the pillows. *chuckles*

For a short time this morning, I grabbed a book and read in the comfort of my PJs. I decided on "Making Your Home a Haven-Strategies for the Domestically Challenged" by Cyndy Salzmann. (FYI- This book can be purchased through our Choosing Home store) I was really impressed with what I read this morning. I love how the initial focus isn't on decluttering and efficient ways to shovel the garbage out of the house. It really impressed me that the beginning of the book is dedicated to getting ladies back to the Lord, and places such an emphasis on making time for prayer. So, in prime fashion, I set the book down and decided to talk with God for a while. It might make it difficult to finish the book if I keep doing that, but I say that it is an awesomely good trade. *laughs* While I was praying, DD came in and asked me what I was doing. When I told her that I was praying, she said that she wanted to pray too. So, she climbed up in bed with me, and we took turns praying. She's still getting the hang of things, thinking that she is going far out on a limb when she says "Thank you God, for this sandwich" instead of "Thank you God, for this food". *chuckles* She's a good girl. :o )

After prayers, I began putzing around in the kitchen. I took out the garbage, and when I took the bag out, I just decided to sweep the driveway. I know. It sounds weird. That's how work happens with me though. I made my way back into the house and helped DD get dressed in clothes that actually went alright together, and then I noticed that the neighbor boys were out. So, I sent DD out to play with them, and I went to fetch Skippy. I tied the dog on a long leash (actually a lunge line) in the front yard, and the kids just had a ball playing with him. They whipped frisbees at him and played tug-o-war. It was a good time. When the boys went home for a while, I put a padlock on our back gate, and let DD play in the yard for a bit. I worked in the kitchen, washing dishes, scrubbing counters, etc. She thought she had some freedom, but she didn't realize that I was watching her out the kitchen window all of the time. *laughs* But, she had fun playing in her plastic play house.

After I had the kitchen clean, I went to the door to wave out the neighbor boys and their mom, all on their bikes. The mom told me that there was a yard sale the next street over, so I grabbed my shoes, and DD and I walked over to the yard sale. I didn't have much money, but I did get some things. I bought DD an 'Dora the Explorer' set with a "dream pillow, journal, and pen" that was brand new in the packaging, for $2. I was able to find pretty burner covers for my stove for $0.75/package of 2. I also bought DD a children's craft book and a package of stickers, and a dry erase board for myself, all for $2.10. So, we had a nice time "shopping" for less than $6. On our way back home, we saw the nice older lady that we had stopped to talk to on the way out. She was pulling up to the garage sale in her vehicle. It was cute. :o )

After we got home, DD sat at her little picnic table and used her new pen to draw on an activity page while I putzed around with more housework. I was really going to town, and I managed to clean places of my house that haven't been cleaned since we moved in. Hey now, it's only been since December. *laughs* The neighbor boys came back home and invited DD over to play,so after checking with their mom, I let her go over there for an hour. Oh blessedness. It was quiet. wow. So, I hurried and scrubbed the bathroom until I realized that I was cleaning the caulk right off of the toilet base/floor. Ooops. *laughs* I'll have to have DH fix that some time. I am really funny about scrubbing the bathroom. I can't help it if dumb dirt and icky things want to get into the edge of the caulk. It still needs to be clean. He'll just have to run new caulk in a couple months or so. lol

I was sitting on the porch, enjoying some iced water when DD came walking home. Apparently she had pushed the little neighbor girl down, and the mom had told her that she needed to be good and not push people. DD is so shy and funny that she thought that meant that she had to go home. So, she had just told me that the mom told her to go home for pushing. I made her put her shoes back on though, and I marched her over there to apologize. She said that she was sorry, and that she was worried that her friends didn't like her any more. The mom said that things were fine, and that she didn't understand why DD went home. So, we talked for a minute about some of the learning that DD has to do, when it comes to relating to other children and such. I feel like the crazy mom, begging people to like my kid and be her friend. *laughs* Really though, she was just being a child, and she wasn't in trouble. She just doesn't know how to take a mild reprimand from someone other than me. She thought that they wouldn't like her anymore. Poor kid.

After that little episode, it was time to come in and figure out dinner. I ran a bath and scrubbed DD until she was pink again. *laughs* She knows how to get dirty. I put her in some comfy clothes, and then she basically put herself to bed. She's funny. DH and I had dinner together, and we talked about our finances because we had a miscommunication yesterday. He went over into my bill paying territory, and we both paid the car insurance. Oops. That can be a problem when they don't want to refund one of the payments. Car insurance isn't cheap where we live. So, we have that talk every once in a while, "This is YOUR job, and this is MINE." *laughs* We can't afford both of us being the money manager. Heeheehee.... 

So, it is quiet, all except for Wheel of Fortune on in the other room. I guess the rats get to watch tv. lol Oh, speaking of the ratties, they are so much easier to hold now! *laughs* They have such ravenous appetites that they have porked out big time. It is so much easier to fish them out of the cage when they are round. I think that it helps that they have calmed down a whole lot and that they like being rubbed behind their ears. You should have seen me trying to stick both of them in one of DD's little shoe boxes yesterday though. *chuckles* Every time that I tried to put the lid on, one would try to escape. When I was busy with one, the other was sneaking out the other side of the box. It was comical. But, at least their cage is fresh, and I put their hammock back in there for them. They outgrew the house I had gotten them, those round rodents. lol

I think that I am going to go and see about plugging in the sewing machine, so I can work on DD's dress a little today. It is a really simple pattern though, so I might have it done in a short amount of time. I'm still wondering how I get the flower trim on though. *scratches head* They are multi-colored daisies, connected together by one petal on each side. Do I just sew right through the middle of them?? I'm not sure. I don't want to mess it up, but I don't want them to fall off or anything either. I need my grandma. She would know what to do. Maybe I will borrow DH's cell phone and call down to Florida to ask her. lol

.....wanders off...........

Yup, I'm calling in sick tomorrow. I won't be here. I know, you are just so sad. *laughs* However, I do plan on enjoying a whole slew of things as I get myself out of the house and spend some uninterrupted time with my daughter, and spare a little for the housework.

Here are some of the things that we are going to do tomorrow.....

• wake up early
• enjoy hot bowls of mama's oatmeal
• pack "hiking" bags
• go for a long walk
• play at the park
• have a picnic
• read a good book
• walk to the market and buy fruit (ok, and a fake juice bottle aka-sugar water)
• take a fun bubble bath so DD and I can splash each other with suds
• begin sewing DD's new dress
• practice storytelling, using a bible story
• make dinner together

See? I have a full day. I don't have time for the internet. :o ) 

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Oh, before I go, I wanted to share the letter that I got from my sponsored child in Africa! The translation goes:

Your child [---------] is glad to write to you. He thanks you for having accepted to become his sponsor. He is being taken care of by his grandmother because his parents passed away. He prefers eating irish potatoes and beans. It's now time for exams on 16th March 2005. It's end of 1st term exams. He is in P-2. He requests you to pray for him such that he may perform well in school. He prays for you that you may have nice Easter. He wishes you God's blessings. Read Psalm 20:4-5

Then, on the back of the paper, there is the most adorable drawing. I have to tell you, every time that I look at it, I start to tear up and my eyes try to leak. My friend drew me pictures of flowers, a bean, an irish potato, and a car.

I can't even begin to express how happy I am to hear from this little boy. I have been waiting for his letter for quite some time now, worrying that maybe he didn't get my letter. I was worried that he might think I had forgotten him, or that I didn't care enough to write. So, it is good to hear from him, and to know what a beautiful heart he has. When I send my letter, I will draw him pictures also, and hopefully they will make him just as happy as his pictures have made me. :o )