If it weren't for Jay Leno on the tv in the livingroom, the house would be quiet. It's so weird that I don't like it. But, I'm just sad. My sister had to give her kids over to their biological father today, due to court order, and we may not be able to see them again until August. That sucks. It makes me sad, not to mention that it makes my heart hurt for her. Today is her birthday. Happy birthday, you can't have your babies. Yup, girls. Think twice about having sex outside of marriage. It can really turn around to bite you in the bum, if you don't end up with some fatal disease. I keep having to remind myself today that I need to love my enemies, and I guess that includes this butthead who is trying to take my sister's children from her. I'm still mad at him though.

Speaking of babies, today is the anniversary of my baby's birth/death. After 5 years, people expect you to be over the ordeal, or at least that has been my experience. It is more complex than that though. Plus, while I am happy that my son is with God, and never had to deal with the evil of this world, I'm also sad to not know who he is and watch him grow.

You see, I started out as a pretty fanatical mom. After all, I needed something to keep me on this side of sanity as I opened my hand and let that first fist-full of dirt fall onto my child's coffin. Mom's who have been there, they know what I mean. I was out at the cemetary all of the time, trimming the grass with scissors and bringing flowers. I would edge around his headstone, and would even dig the outline of the sod that they planted over him, so I knew just where he was. I would place my hand over that tiny rectangle of dirt, and I would talk to God. I've always known that my baby was no longer there, but a grave is all I have left.

So, the months and years pass by, and other things are "more important". After all, this is also my sister's birthday, and far be it from me to cloud this day when we should be celebrating her LIFE. I have never wanted to be selfish, so we even stopped going to the cemetary. DH stopped taking me, and would give me interesting sidelong looks if I asked to go. When my uncle committed suicide, my mom would make bad comments to me, about not going to the cemetary. Somehow it meant that I didn't love my uncle or my son enough, because I wasn't out there. *shakes head* Regardless of whether I put out flowers or not, I always love the ones that I have lost. I miss my baby every time that I look at my nephews, or even my own daughter. I can't hardly stand the 4th of July anymore, because the fireworks remind me of the gunshot that none of us heard, but everyone felt.

I do still feel a twinge of guilt though, as the day is coming to a close. I haven't been to the cemetary. For those who don't know, it become more than a piece of grass and a stone. That one little spot becomes the only way you will ever take care of your child. Every stray weed or overgrowth of grass feels like neglect, because you never want to meet the day where you might forget them for a moment. You never want to forget.

Ok, maybe I don't even want to tell you about the past couple days. Really, at this point in time, I'd like to wiggle between my matress and box-spring, shut out the whole world, and go to sleep. Ideally, when I woke up, it would be bright and sunny outside, and my house would be sparkling clean.

Yeah, I know.  *laughs* It's so NOT happening.

I have family in from out of state, and the visit was pretty unannounced. I knew that they were coming, kind of, but there was no good forewarning until the phone rang, and they were here. That's not a bad thing really. I don't mind having company.

What I have noticed, is that I am becoming terribly obsessed with CLEAN. *chuckles* Who would have thought? Certainly not my mom, who used to take pictures of my room to show everyone she knew, to humiliate me into submission. lol Still, I'm finding myself looking longingly at my vacuum cleaner and immitation windex. I have a house full of people, and I am the only one who is the slightest bit inclined toward cleaning the house, or cooking for that matter. So, without being a meanie and stomping my foot a bit, I haven't figured out how to keep the house even reasonably clean. I keep running around, but toys, food, and dirty clothes keep magically re-appearing all over the house. My own child has been pretty good about things, since she knows that Mommy likes her to keep her toys in her room. I let her make as big of a mess in there as she wants, but she knows that she has to clean it all up again before Daddy comes home. Oooo....

Things have been non-stop around here, and I am tired. I'm chasing tylenol with soda, hoping the caffine will help with the headache. I've got to shake it off, because I need to go and bake my sister a birthday cake. :o )  I also have to fashion some hamburger patties, and see if I can get my little sister to run up to the market and get some buns. I was going to walk, but we had a weird thunderstorm run through. I think it is really something, when storms blow in so fast that it looks like God is just dumping a huge bucket of water over the house, and then it is gone. Hey, at least I don't have to water our grass seed! *laughs*

DH and I have been working in the yard a lot, and it is really looking nice. He cut some burlap up for me, and planted some grass seed on the west side of our walkway. I will just love it if we can grow some grass in there, instead of cultivating our mud hole. We are all loving our "yard time" though. DD gets to play outside more, now that I have her playhouse and picnic table all set up. We even have a section of our driveway all set up for our grill and/or fire pit. Last night I had a great time, just sitting and listening to the guys talk, while we sat around the fire. It was too cold to be out there otherwise. I don't know why, but there is something so nice about sitting out around a fire. I came in last night, smelling of wood-smoke. Of course, I would have anyway, since I used maple to cook/smoke some chicken breast for my dad and Sis. Dad just raved on and on about how good that chicken was. wow. The rest of us had steak, which I love to cook. I'm such a fire bug, that I love cooking red meat over a fire. I am oddly fascinated by the way that the fat catches in the fire, and the flames jump up to lick the meat. I'm weird, but y'all already know that. If I had a good dutch oven, I think that I'd be pretty fine, cooking out on an open fire.

While the cake is baking, I have to sit down with my shopping list again. I know what we usually use, but I am going to draw up a menu for the next two weeks anyway. I want to make sure that I have everything that I need, and also to make sure that I don't buy things that we don't need. I have come upon the worlds best diet. It's called.... no money. *laughs* It causes me to go directly to needed foods, and bypass all of the sugary junk and chips that we would normally buy also. I've had to cut back our grocery bill this pay period, because DH needs new work shoes. So, half of my grocery money is going to go toward getting his steel-toed shoes, and the rest I have to spend wisely. I think that we are going to have to cut out milk, except for cooking purposes. It is just too expensive, unless I can find a really good sale. We need to drink more water though, anyway.
Hey, Hey! I did real good last night though. DH was looking through automotive stuff, and I stuck a smile on my face and just left it there. Even though we were down to our last couple dollars, I didn't fuss at him for buying one of the most expensive fuel additives they had. I figured that he knew what he was doing. I get to find out today if the car runs better with cleaner fuel injectors. :o )  I hope that it can be something as simple as that. I'll admit that it is hard sometimes, watching the money go, and keeping my tongue from wagging. I keep repeating "just trust him" while I pay our bills and exercise the calculator. I figure that the best way to curb any wild spending is to pay our bills right away. That way, we get to see how much is really still ours, right away. I'm betting that it will work. *nods* He will see that we really don't have that much, and he'll be more careful. I know he will. He doesn't like being strapped any more than I do.

I have to say though, that I really like having this small market near me. While some things are a little more expensive than I would normally buy, I actually save money there. Because I am walking, I will only buy just what we need, and I only carry enough money in my pocket to get what I need. So, I don't impulse shop and bring home half the store. I'm not bad about that anyway, but now I am happy over every dollar or quarter that I bring home. I like going shopping, and only spending $3. lol I also love leftovers. *laughs*

Oh well, I have to go........

For more on "Created To Be His Help Meet", please visit:

My Three Pennies, Walking Circumspectly, RosesandTeax2, and Stand Up and Walk

reflections on....

Created To Be His Help Meet
by Debi Pearl

 

Chapter 13
The Great Mystery
-A wise woman understands that her husband's need to be honored is not based on his performance, but on his nature and his God-ordained position. She learns quickly to defer to his ideas or plans with enthusiasm. She looks for ways to reverence him. She knows this is God's will for her life.-

I have really enjoyed this chapter, probably because it really brings everything back home, to the real focus. The place where our eyes and hearts should always be trained, is the Lord. In this chapter, Debi does that, in illustrating that our earthly marriage is a humble parallel of the relationship that Christ has with his church.

"Your marriage to your husband is preparing you for your marriage to Christ. You may say, 'But it would be easy being married to Christ.' Then you don't know your Bible. What if your husband required you to offer your son upon an alter as a burnt sacrifice? That is what God required of Abraham. What if your husband killed you for lying? That is what God did to Sapphira. For a woman to usurp authority over a man is an affront to God Almighty, like treason in the camp. It would be like a man taking authority over Christ, or like the Church becoming jealous of Jesus' leadership and taking authority unto itself."

This is one part of the book that really had me laughing, not because it is particularly funny, but because I've heard that line so many times. "Oh, if my husband were like Christ, then we would never have any problems. Of course I would sumit and honor him." Like Debi pointed out, many women don't think fully on what they are saying when they make that type of statement. I know that in my marriage, my husband asks far less of me than my God ever has. I think that it is wonderful that I get this "practice run" to learn more fully how to be obedient, submissive, and full of reverence.

To compliment this chapter, Debi includes some short definitions to help women understand what they are being called to do, which include:

1. Obedience is doing what you know the other person wants you to do.
2. Submission is your heart giving over to the other person's will.
3. Reverence is more than just doing what a man expects or demands. It is an act of a woman's will to treat him with a high degree of regard and awe.

Oh no, oh no, I'm not saying that any of this is particularly easy. Maybe it is for some women, but I must not be one of them. I am very much like my parents, each of them is as stubborn as a mule, and as hard-headed as a mountain goat. (isn't that a lovely picture? lol) Yup, that's me. So, it is really a feat to wrestle with my own flesh and put away my very unfeminine qualities that lead me to arrogance and a spirit of domination. I'll be quite frank in saying that I can be an ugly creature when not softened by the Lord.

Maybe it is because of my nature, I feel most confident in bolstering other women, and am very jubilant in praising God. I know that by my own power, I can not accomplish the task of placing my husband's desires before my own, doing things that he asks of me, or going that extra mile to show him how much I love and appreciate him- just because he is. It may feel like a completely unattainable task to some women, but I'm here to tell you that if it is what you desire, to honor your husband, God will help you every step of the way. He enables His people to do what He says is right. Pray, pray, pray! :o )

Further on in the chapter, Debi shares a letter from a woman who makes a point to uplift and reverence her husband, even though he is FAR from the "perfect" husband. In the letter, the woman shares about how she honors her husband through his position as the father of their son, how she proclaims to the world that her husband is "#1 Dad".

"She is reverencing God by reverencing her husband, not because her husband is a fit representative of Christ, and not because he is a worthy substitute, but because God placed her in subjection to her husband."

Yet again, we are reminded that it isn't because of a husband's merit that he is respected and honored. This is a very big deal, which is probably why it is repeated so often. I know that I, personally, hear many women saying how they will respect their husband when he is worthy "enough". Hey, two wrongs do not make a right. Wives are not justified in disobeying God because their men are not doing what they should be. When we know that we are not acting in accordance to God's will for us, it is our duty to step up to the plate and to make things right, regardless of how unworthy we think our husbands are. As Debi says, when you reverence your husband, you are reverencing God.

"If her faithfulness is never rewarded with a new-birth change in her husband, her commitment is not wasted, for the grace that God is working in her heart is making her supremely fitted to be the bride of Christ."

 

Amen! It really took me a while to catch on here. I was reading a different book at the time, called "A Love Worth Giving" by Max Lucado, when this realization hit me. I had a real "D'uh" moment. God sees everything. He knows the condition of our hearts. Everything that we do to please Him, He sees. Our Lord is just, and we will all be given our appropriate reward for what we have done in our lives. No matter how unappreciative a husband seems, God sees when we do what HE asks of us. Whenever we fulfill our duties and then give more, God knows. This is a win/win situation, if I've ever seen one. Not only do we have the ability to win our husbands, but we also have the ability to reverence and please the Lord by prevailing in a situation for His sake. How wonderful is that?!

The next issue that Debi discusses is the condition of our hearts, and our thoughts. She brings up the reality that so many of us women replay our husband's failures again and again, no matter how small. He may have only said one thing that we thought was inconsiderate, but after if replays in the mind a few hundred times, suddenly he is the most inconsiderate person on the earth. It's interesting, how that works.

"Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established" (Prov. 16:3)

Ooo... I love solutions. So, how do we overcome those pesky thoughts that we allow to ruin the image we have of our husbands? Pick me! Pick me! *jumps up an down, with raised hand* Our actions will establish our thoughts. It is up to us, how we want to live. I could sit and grump about something that my husband has done, or I can be happy to have him, reaffirm why I am thankful to have him, and work at showing him how much I appreciate him. I'm not just parroting Debi here, or blowing hot air. I have SO been there. Whenever I let the harmful brain chatter loose in my head, I instantly kill my contentment. There will always be SOMETHING that isn't quite right about my husband or what he does. We women have an amazing power to nit-pick. However, when I work at things for the specific point of honoring my husband and treating him well, then my head is put back on the right way, and I am happy and as snug as a bug in a rug.

Lastly, Debi shares a story with us about a woman who was in an abusive abusive marriage. This is always such a hard situation to deal with. The husband was not deserving of the marriage, but Sunny (the wife) felt that God was really calling her to stay in the relationship. I think that it takes a real strong woman to sacrifice that deeply in an effort to honor the Lord. Instead of babbling to everyone about his recent failures and abuse, Sunny began saying nice things about her husband wherever she went. She honored him each day, and the results were quickly seen in a dramatic change in his behavior. As Debi illustrates, some people will take the negative comments of others, and they will make them a prophecy for the future, that they fulfill daily. When Sunny stopped speaking poorly of her husband, and chose to honor him instead, he was motivated to be the good man that she said he was. Eventually, because of her example, she was able to win her husband, and he came to the Lord. (read 1 peter 3:1) Even if he had never become a kinder man, her actions and heart conditon would not have been without merit. The Lord sees it all. None of it is in vain.

 

Chapter 14

Kings and Kingdoms
-A wise woman always recieves her husband's overtures with delight, no matter how clumsy he may be.-

 

Beginning this chapter, Debi talks about the importance of a man having his own place to rule. Man was created to rule in this world, but many times there is little place for a man to express his God-given authority. My first thought was of my husband, during the beginning years of his career, when he was very much at the bottom of the ladder. He had no authority to make larger decisons, and was always under the authority of his own supervisor. When he came home, it was the one place where he was free to "rule the roost" and truly feel like the empowered man that God had created him as. We both stumbled through this time, not sure of how to manage things. Thankfully, we have worked the situation, and when my earthly king comes into his castle, a banquet is set for him. My husband is the king of our home, and I love him as such. We both think that it is cute that our daughter carries the nickname of "princess", since that is just what she is within our home. My husband is my earthly king, and because I care for him and treat him well, he loves me deeply as his queen. I am the queen of his heart, and it is funny how I earned my position. I never would have thought that leaving my comfy chair to fetch him a soda pop would mean a whole lot. However, the small inconvenience yielded much more than the energy I expended to bring him the drink. That is the way that it works each day. The little things add up. Because of these little things, my husband smiles more and has nice things to speak about me when talking with other men. Because I honor my husband as the king of our tiny kingdom, other men approach my husband to ask if I will help their own wife. Ok, I'll admit that that idea is more than a little scary to me. But, the point is that my husband feels honored, it makes him very happy, and his happiness spills out over all of us.

"People say of an obedient woman, 'Oh, she is just the meek and timid type; she needs to get a life of her own."

I try to be an obedient woman. My husband can always tell when I am struggling, or when I have just completely knocked myself for a look with my own stupidity. When chastized, I have this amazing ability to turn into a mute for a moment or more. I think of this as God's way of enabling me to stop and think about what I am doing, before I open up my mouth and dig myself into a hole that will be painful to climb out of. I can be such a troublesome woman. Many people don't really understand the dynamics of our relationship, but there are some things that they see. People see me serving my husband, while other women holler at their men to get their own things. People see me honor my husband by being a caring hostess, and serving guests at our home. People see me honoring my husband by being happy when he is able to do things that make him happy, even when it takes him away from me. Usually, this is accompanied by some rather catty remarks. More than anything, I am deemed unintelligent, spineless, and unworthy of respect. Of course, I know that all of these things are false. What I find more amusing than anything is when people naturally just assume that I am more naturally inclined toward submission than other women. Are they joking?!? *laughs* As I said early, I am as stubborn as a mule and as hard-headed as a mountain goat. Need I mention that I can also be as snappy as a riled rattle snake? Oooo..... I can be one nasty woman. I praise God every time I think about what wonderful things He has done in me. No, I am not a naturally "submissive type" person. I'm very opinionated, think everything should be done my way, and have a real talent for being grumpy. *laughs* The ideal submissive? Oh no.

I am submissive by the grace of God. Only through His help, am I able to do what He has called me to do. I am not any more naturally inclined than the latest radical feminist, but God has worked a number on my heart. Because of Him, I am better able to appropriately respect, honor, and obey my husband. This "submission thing" isn't for wimps. This is some pretty serious work. It's real easy to follow the flesh and be selfish. What isn't easy is to work toward putting others first, foremost God, and then my husband. I challenge any woman who believes that submission is for the weak, to take on the mantel for a while and see how well it wears. :o )

"Reverence is not just how you act; it is how you feel and how you respond with words and with your body language."

Right on! I don't want to be a liar. Do you? No, I didn't think so. However, if I were to present myself as a woman who is reverencing her husband through her actions, and then I am running the nasty brain chatter in my head, I am being two-faced. What is inside is not matching my outside. Believe me, my husband can spot a liar. I can say that I am happy to do something for him, but he will surely see my clenched teeth, or hear the nearly inaudible muttering. Even if I became a master of my mouth, he can still see that the sparkle is gone from my eyes. He knows when the honor I show him is a front, and when it is genuine. I want to show my husband that I love and respect him with everything that I do. Not only that, I want to go that extra mile to show him that I want to give him more than simple 'duty' requires.

Ok, one of the next stories in this chapter has had my eyeballs obnoxiously leaking a bit. Debi talks about people that she watched as they walked into a busy store. One in particular caught her attention because she was dressed in a very unflattering outfit, and was more than a little mussed. However, she was very obviously being adored by her very gorgeous man. As Debi writes, "A man will allow his woman many, many faults, as long as he knows that she thinks he is great."

Oh boy, don't I know it. *laughs* It is no secret that I am not endowed with some great beauty. I seem to be terribly flawed when it comes to matters of fashion, or even coordinating colors. My sister still teases me about mismatched socks, and the fact that I like to wear leggings or slacks under my dresses. I am probably the most likely to be approached by the fashion police. Add to that the fact that I am overweight (not that I'm happy about it. lol), and the fact that humidity does some awful things to my naturally curly hair, I can feel like a tremendously bloated version of "the bride of frankenstein". In contrast, my husband is slender and muscled in all the right places, from his labor intensive job. It sure doesn't hurt that he has such a young and gorgeous face. The guy is just a cutie. To the world, we probably look terribly mismatched. However, this is where Debi has been very right in her statement above. My husband loves me just as I am. He may make teasing comments when he sees me drying my hair in front of the fan in the window (yeah, last night. lol), but I know that he sure doesn't mind my fuzzy hair. He thinks I'm cute. I may be a sort of round girlie, but he likes that I'm soft and huggable. I have lots of flaws, but he is quick to look right past them, because there is no one on this earth who makes him happy like I do. I used to drive myself nuts, worrying that one day he might wake up and just think that I was too ugly to love. There are plenty of guys who shop for girls like they are accessories, like seat warmers designed to coordinate with their vehicle. I miscalculated though. I underestimated just how much it meant to my husband that I respect him and honor him. I make him feel good. No matter what anyone else may think when they look at me, struggling to tame the wild poof, or wandering around with mismatched socks, he thinks that I am just the greatest thing since sliced bread. How cool is that? God has given me this amazing way of endearing myself to this gorgeous guy, to the point that I know he would give himself up for me in a heartbeat. That's some pretty cool stuff. I don't doubt for a moment that it is worth it, taking the time and energy to treat my husband well. Not only does God approve, when I act within His will, I get the benefit of having a husband who carries bricks by the bucket-full, just to build me a flower bed. He wants to make me happy, even if he breaks his back doing it, completely overlooking the fact that some passing guy might think I was far from attractive. Awesome.

"The very heart of reverence is extreme appreciation and profound thankfulness that this man, just as he is, has chosen to love me, just as I am."

Appreciation is a huge thing. There are times when I am not as appreciative as I should be, and I am glad to have a mild reprimand, no matter where it comes from. If the words sting, then I know that I'm in a good place to make improvements from. I am very thankful that my husband loves me, just as I am. I want to keep the perspective of "I am glad to have him", instead of "He aught to be glad to have me". It helps to keep my heart soft, which goes a long way in aiding me in the creation of a comfortable haven for my family, and my husband in particular. I want the first words out of my heart and mouth to always be those of praise and thanksgiving, whether I am singing out to my Lord in heaven, or the lord of our humble home.

Finding Myself in God, Finding Myself With My Husband

When growing up, a great deal of unintentional pressure was put on myself and my sisters. My father most likely did not know what he was doing, but each day he slowly indoctrinated us from infancy to adulthood. We were taught that our name was important, an honor, and it was stated many times that my father had longed deeply over a son to carry on our family name. Interesting enough, he was given only daughters.

As a child, I believed that my name was a large part of who I was, because it carried with it my ancestry. I was not taught to act with honor in all things because it is pleasing to God. Instead, I was taught that I should act with honor as to not disgrace my family name. I am sure that you can see where this would create a great deal of anxiety as I progressed toward marriage as an adult woman.

When I did marry, I chose to take my husband's name, because he told me quite plainly that it would hurt him deeply if I refused to carry his name. So, I put aside my own fears, and changed my name. My heart though, was in a poor place. I was deriving my identity in the wrong place.

It took me a long time, approximately 2 years, for me to have the revolution of heart to realize that my worth has nothing to do with the name that I carry. The Lord loved me before I was born, and if ever there was a worthy name to carry, it would the name of the One who loved me first, and loves me ALWAYS. Labels can be empty, but how could I wear the name of God upon my heart? I could choose to live according to His will, loving Him, loving what He loves, and finding displeasure at what He is angry or sorrowful over. Changing my heart was not a simple process, and it was far from painless. Instead, I felt as though I had the Lord's branding iron pressed into my very soul. The stench and hissing of the iron was the purging of my soul, God's Holy Spirit cleansing me and creating in me a revulsion against my flesh that longs after what is sinful.

How does this connect with my anxiety over my indentity within my marriage? I was able to look, with fresh eyes, up on the Word of God. What the Lord wanted from me became most important, far more important than my personal comfort. So, I stepped out on that limb and began to look at where I belonged. This lead me right to the reality that I am no longer one single person. When my husband and I consumated our marriage, we became one flesh. Whose name should this flesh have? Well, who is the head of our home? Ah.... the big authority/submission debate.

I won't go into the arguments that come every time that those two words are mentioned. Instead, I will simply express that my soul did not revolt upon reading God's Word. My flesh may have had problems, and still does at times. On the inside though, I knew what was right. With the reading that I had done, I had a lot to digest, the idea that I was made for my husband, to be his helper. It was a hit to my ego, but I had to take it in stride. My head was over-inflated anyway. If you are interested in reading more on my thoughts concerning woman's role and purpose, please take a look at my entries to the right, on the "Created To Be His Help Meet" book review/article series.

When I realized what a blessing marriage is, and how it mirrors Christ's relationship with His Church (and that includes me, in a very personal way), it completely changed how I viewed this unique bonding. Since I knew that I was created to help my husband, it only made sense that my name should express my bond with him. In honoring my husband and gladly wearing his name, I chose to honor the marriage that I entered in to. By honoring my husband, respecting his will, and caring for his feelings, I was honoring and respecting God. Hey, this is no small thing. What do I do when I honor and respect God? I wear proudly, HIS name on my heart. In the same way, my husband also wears the name of God emblazed on his heart, when he leans on God for the strength to be a righteous man, and to love me as Christ loves His Church. In spirit, the two of us walk the same path, seeking and longing after the Lord. In the flesh, we are bonded together in body and in name, for the world to see this small representation of a great mystery, the mystery of marriage between Christ and His bride (the Church).

The anxiety is gone. I know where I came from, but more important to me is WHAT I STAND FOR. I can have honor without the name that I was given at birth. More important is the honoring of the name that I was graced with when God's Holy Spirit came upon me and He showed me how to seek and love Him. I will always have a fondness for my family, and the ancestral roots that I have. History is amazing to me, and I love to delve into the great stories to be found. One day, I hope that my family will search out my identity, and will remember me when I am long gone. If anyone ever looks for me, I hope that they find so much more than the last name that I bore. I hope that what makes me remarkable is WHO I stand for. My wish is that when someone sees me now, or a hundred years from now, they see Christ.