Today was a very rainy day. It also happened to be my dad's birthday.

Yesterday, DD and I spent some time with paper, glue, cardboard, markers, and crayons, making a birthday card for "grandpa". DD wrote "Happy Birthday Grandpa, Love ----" on the inside of the card, and colored in a sailboat that I had drawn on the front. She did such a good job with her writing. Of course, I still had to spell the words out for her, but she knew all of her letters, and wrote well enough that one could read the card without difficulties. I think that is pretty good for a little girl who just turned four.

DH worked real hard on the car yesterday, trying to fix it well enough that we could travel to the marina for my dad's party today. While we were returning videos the other night, the tierod end broke as I turned into the parking lot. DH called his mom for help, but she wouldn't help because she was already in bed. So, we walked over to a store and tried to find some steel clothing hangers. They only had plastic though, so DH ended up using whole bunches of picture hanging wire, and he drove us home at 10mph. We all breathed a sigh of relief when we made it home, and then he wrenched on the car the next day. Now we find that our sway bar links need to be replaced too. Yay.

Thankfully, the car took the trip to the marina well, so we were alright. As usual, I was feeling a bit tense, but tried to smile it away so no one would know. I really don't like being around my dad and his girlfriend. I can't help but hate seeing them together. Add to that the fact that my dad always invites my ex-best friend, and I was a bit wound up. I don't mind seeing my old friend, but he doesn't have any fondness for me, and I spend the whole time feeling as though he's going to lite into me at any moment. So, I smile until my face hurts. Lucky for me, my dad doesn't know how to grill, so I was able to do the cooking today. It gave me a chance to participate in a little small talk, but stay removed enough from things that I wouldn't feel like bailing out.

DD had a real great time at the party. One of my dad's friends has quite a few kids, and she just loved running around with all of the boys. At one point, I did have to apply some band-aids, but she was made well by a tweety bird sucker. :o )

By the time that we all piled in the car, the three of us and the dog, I was tired. Apparently I wasn't the only one, because both DD and the dog were passed out in the backseat. lol Who would have thought that grilling would be so exhausting? lol Numerous times dad and his girlfriend tried to shoo me away from the grill, saying that I was "working too hard". Little did they know. lol The girlfriend and I did talk for a bit, while we were putting everything away. She still acts like she expects me to take her head clean off. I don't really get it though. It isn't that I am mean to her, or even that I don't like her. I've told my dad to share these things with her. The point is, she is not my mom. I'm never going to be comfortable with any woman sleeping with my dad and trying to call my sister "daughter". This isn't something that is particular with this one person. I am very loyal to my mother, and to my familly in large. My dad may want to pretend that his girlfriend is part of our family, but she isn't. He won't even do the right thing and just marry her, instead of causing her to live in sin. He may not care about God, but she professes to be a Christian. Maybe that is what bothers me the most, that she will try and have theological discussions with me on what is right and wrong, while fornicating with my dad. That's just messed up. I know that not one of us is perfect, but the hypocrisy just makes my head spin. I am always pleasant though, even when I don't feel so pleasant. For example, why would they think that I would ever want to see them making-out with each other??? Does it take a rocket scientist to understand that I'm not going to feel ok with that? Are they such little hormonal rabbits that they can't wait until I'm not there? I don't know. I want to relieve some of the tension between us all, but I can only do so much when folks act like I am a big meanie, and they do things that sting at my most vulnerable areas. Silly goats.

I wish that my former friend and I could get along better. I know that it doesn't mean anything to him to be a friend though. I guess I just feel bad that there is such bad vibes between us. It is sad. We used to get on so well together. You would think that things would be so much easier because we are both married now, and both very happy. I don't know if he'll ever look me in the eye again though, all because I chose not to date him. *sigh* That was so long ago, and I wish that it would just die. I'd like to be able to stand and talk with him and his wife, and just have fun, smile, and laugh. At the least, I'd just like to feel that he doesn't harbor ill feelings toward me. I know that I hurt his feelings, and it wasn't my intention. I never meant for any of the ickiness that came about.

Goodness, this is a whole bunch of negativity, isn't it? lol Interesting, for the celebration of a birthday. My dad gave his toast this evening, about how family is great, but extending his "family" with chosen friends was so much better. Did you hear that stinging sound? That was his words hitting across the side of my face. I'll bet that he didn't mean to say things just the way that he did, but his words do echo so true in the mix of things. I can't even count how many times he has ditched me to go spend time with his friends. I just don't like to be reminded that I have no special favor because I am his child. If it weren't for the fact that DD had such a great time, I would chalk the whole event up as being pretty depressing.

Alas, I had better run. The news is on, and DH wants my company. I'll come running. I do have a special place of favor in his heart............

I blog to stay awake.

*laughs*

It has been a very good, and very tiring day. When I woke up this morning, I wanted to throw a pillow at the wall and make some unlady-like meanie faces. lol  I found myself with another backache this morning. I was fine when DH rolled out of bed this morning, but when I woke up from my 2 hour "power nap" (I don't sleep well at night), I felt like someone had kicked me real hard. Isn't there some kind of rule that says that can't happen within a certain amount of days from the last time? Ugh.

So, I was gingerly walking around today, and I had DD help me make my bed. We worked through breakfast, and while I was digging through emails and working on updating links, someone knocks on the door. Tada! It's my dad! Hey, maybe he wants to sit and sit a cup of tea, shooting the breeze. Maybe he wants to camp out on the grass and talk about how the work is going on the house. Wow, he may even want to pick us up and hang out for a while, just for the fun of it. Oh...wait....no. That's right, he's here so he can use the internet, and then leave right after he is done.

I tried to make the most of this visiting time, and I camped out on a stool, trying to at least stay in the room so we could chit-chat. I gave up when my dad decided to go through his email, and pictures of breasts started popping up. I had to make up my mind whether I was going to blow my top and get real mean, or just pretend that my dad really isn't a skeez. I opted for the latter, and I made an ungraceful exit from the room. The next time that he comes over to ignore me and use the computer, I think that it might conveniently be having problems, suffering from the blue screen of death. I'm sure you get my drift. Some would say that I need to put my foot down and be firm, and I'll get there. In the meantime, while I gather my thoughts, I also have to be pretty honest with the fact that my dad doesn't really give a poo as to what I think. He'll just blow the whole thing out of proportion and use it to spread lies amongst family and friends that I hate him and don't want to see him any more. It's easier to slander me than to own up to the fact that he's not an upstanding guy. *shrugs* Some days, I think that it is really insane to love a man so much who has no true esteem for me. It's sad.

Anywho, dad had finished with the computer, so he happened to remember all of the terribly pressing things that he had to do. Off he went, and off I went, to the kitchen. DH hadn't eaten all the pistachios that I had gotten him, so I stood at the counter, thinking and pulling apart shells while DD sat at the table. The phone rang, and there was Sis, telling me that we were going out. She's so funny. She didn't ask, but said that she'd be there in 10 minutes, she was already on her way. Gimpy me, I shuffled through the house to get my purse, and never even bothered to change in my house slippers for shoes. That requires bending over. lol

When Sis showed up, we all went to the Calder's Dairy, which isn't very far from the house. Apparently, Sis wanted to buy us some ice cream, the real good stuff. I hadn't been there before, so I was pretty interested. I picked out "Maple Nut", which sounds gross to some people, but was awesomely good ice cream. The texture was just right, the taste was smooth, and it was an enjoyeable affair. Of course, I'll probably gain 10 lbs today because I ate it. *chuckles* On the other hand, we did counter the sweets well. Sis drove us all over to a park that is on the other side of the creek, that has a pretty walking trail. It is a 2 mile circuit, but we stopped for a few minutes before embarking on the second mile, so DD could play at the park. While she was playing, a family of geese walked over from the creek. All I can think is that it was actually two mamas with their babies, because there were a LOT of babies. I had part of a sandwich, and I tore it to pieces and started feeding the birds, even though the adults kept coming closer for the food, but hissed at me. lol They didn't want me touching the babies, but they wanted my food. That's just funny. I kept talking to them in calming tones (hey, at least it works for horses lol), and they were fine. Then, we headed off for the next mile. DD and I had fun, running and trying to race Sis, who was pushing her son in the stroller. I don't think that I've run that much in years. It felt nice to run and play with DD, even though I run like an old grandma. lol My back was still real sore, but some things are more important than something so petty as back pain. lol *wink* So, I'm exhausted. It's a good thing.

So, I'm not exactly sure how to take this, but DH just called. He had talked to me earlier, to let me know that he was going to stay at work for a couple hours and just hang out with the guys. I told him that that was just fine, and asked if he would bring a pizza home with him, since we weren't up for eating at the normal dinner time anyway (the running *pants*). Well, he called back and wanted to put me on speaker-phone so the other guys at work could hear me express that I don't mind if he stays there for a couple hours. Um, that's just weird. Apparently, the guys didn't believe that DH could have a wife so unlike their own, and I actually had to talk on the phone with one of the men and assure him that there was no problem. Isn't that odd? Somehow, DH was supposed to "get in big trouble" like they do. Er........no. *wiggles eyebrows*

Ok, I'm off to read for a while. My friend, Molly, has been so great to me, and has blessed me with a whole bunch of hooby-groovy books. I think that my brain will be occupied for the next few months, at least. I used to zoom through books real fast ( 800+ pages a day), but I've moved on to slowing to enjoy them more- and actually BEING a keeper at home, instead of just hearing about those odd creatures. lol Can you tell I wasted time during the beginning of my marriage? *chuckles* Now, if only I can stay awake long enough to get a few pages read............

I would question my understanding of God, and the condition of my heart if having faith didn't hurt a bit, throughout the walk. Of course, that very idea is just outrageous to some, who believe that following God is all about feeling good and embracing warm, fuzzy feelings. However, for me, my walk with the Lord isn't confined to that which FEELS good all the time, but that which IS good all the time. Seeking God is a wonderful experience, one I hope to enjoy for all of my days. I will admit though, that as I am stretched by the Lord, there is some pain involved.

Having God's truth isn't always what I would call a 'pleasant' experience, at least my flesh doesn't think so. My spirit may rejoice and smile inwardly, but my flesh groans and protests. Each step closer to walking within God's will is a triumph of the spirit, but the body cramps and seizes, not wanting to adjust to something so very different from what it desires. Small trials begin to look like warm-up sessions, and the body slowly begins to give into the demands of the spirit, not putting up nearly so much of a fight. However, unexpected detours, confused traveling partners, and the occassional mountain are enough to have both body and soul stumbling along the craggy path, doing just what I am supposed to do. Yes, in grabbing hold of the outstretched hand in front of me, I am doing what is right. He picks me up from my knees, nourishes me, and He carries me through parts of the trek that I never could face on my own. It isn't always a cake walk though, and sometimes He sets me down before obstacles, and stands back to watch and simply encourages me. I know that He is there, and He knows that I can do what is right, so long as I keep my eyes trained on him, and not on what looks to overwhelm me. Each step is a struggle, and it hurts. My body revolts at moving in this direction, when other paths are so much easier, even pleasurable. Still, He looks on me with anticipation and love. As I begin to cry, I make a final push toward Him, and though I fall short, He wraps His arms around me and pulls me through the rest, and comforts me in His embrace. I have gone as far as I can on my own will, and no matter how I push to be successful, the story is always the same. To one extent or another, I fail. Still, each time, He looks on me with such love, that I feel like I have won something so grand. So long as I reach out for Him, He never leaves me to perish, even when caught in traps and underbrush that overcomes me. At times, He leaves me to struggle, knowing that it strengthens my muscles, and it burns my resolve to a red-hot flame. I think on the times when I have gone so far, and though it hurts in places that are so soft, He leaves me to it. I push myself to my ends, and His cries of encouragement strengthen me. This time, while grasping His hand, I manage to keep to my feet, as He leads me to gentler paths and a refreshing spring, to soothe my spirit.

It doesn't always feel "good" to do what is right. There are many times when I have read the love letter that my Lord has sent me, and my heart aches. I am convicted in the depths of my spirit, and it pains me. Working toward purging myself of sin is an ongoing battle, one I will never truly find completion in until I am called home. If things were different, and I didn't feel these pangs that lead me lean on God and seek to become more Christ-like, then I would know that something was terribly wrong. When there is no discomfort, when sin does not bother me, then my soul is in danger. When I think that I am "finished", I have only just begun to unravel the other manifestations of sin in my life. As I endeavor to be more like my heavenly Bridegroom, I see the filth in me. Each day that I work to wash it from me, I uncover deeper layers of disease that I did not know existed. This knowledge of sin is not a damnation, even though it causes me great pain. Instead, it leads me to do what is right and good, in calling out to the Lord, and trusting that He can (and has) cleansed me by His own blood.

The truth has great power to hurt, and I don't think that we should turn away from it, just because it doesn't initially feel pleasant. It is easy to point fingers at brothers and sisters, pouting and crying because they know that we aren't perfect. When someone speaks the truth in love, it may well hurt a bit. I know that I have been stung multiple times by my "family", no matter how gentle they have tried to be. Loving someone enough to be truthful is neccessary, and no one is served if a message is so sugar-coated that the truth is lost under the sickly-sweet layer. As with all things, take them before the Lord, weigh them against His word. See where the truth lies, and listen for the leading of God's Holy Spirit. Do not be quick to dismiss lessons, because they aren't as warm and fuzzy as you expect God to be. We are not living in a children's bible story book, which only shows a portion of God's character. Revel in the completed illustration, and know that a God who is so powerful, awe-inspiring, and deadly has chosen to love you enough to die for you. He who could rake mountains into the sea on a whim, or toss the earth into the sun, He has chosen to love such a weak and beautiful creature. Have a fear of God, and know that what you give up in this life, the pains that you embrace in order to crucify the flesh, for these- there is reward. Aside from blessings that we cannot even begin to fathom, there is a love for us that is beyond compare.