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Created To Be His Help Meet

by Debi Pearl

Chapter 7

Wisdom

-While There is Yet Hope-

This chapter has had a lot to say to me. A couple years ago, the Holy Spirit really convicted my heart, and began to bring about change in my life. It has been such a slow process, one that I have come nowhere near completing. There are days when I really must put on the armour of God, and do battle with my sinful nature and the influences of satan. I see myself in so many areas of this chapter, and can identify. I thank the Lord that He woke me up before I lost my husband.

"When God gave Eve to Adam, he was giving him a helper, not a conscience. Adam already had a conscience before his wife was created."

"....your nagging and criticism have the opposite effect of producing righteousness."

Ooo, that just stings. There have been times when I have played the part of the hypocrite so well. I could talk about having higher standards, and I would nag my husband until his eyes crossed. In all areas, I tried to mold him into a 'better' person by stressing what I thought was right, and then brow-beating him into submission. I was overlooking the plank in my eye, and cultivating bitterness and resentment, all the while trying to remove the speck from my husband's eye. It was awful. Sometimes it still is, when I don't catch myself fast enough. Should I mention that I've learned how to apologize quite well??

In being completely honest, none of my nagging ever got me what I wanted. My husband wasn't any more receptive toward doing what I wanted, and I certainly wasn't any happier. We were miserable, and because he felt like there was no pleasing me, my husband stopped trying to make me happy. I don't have anyone else to blame but myself. After all, I was slowly killing various parts of his manhood, all so I could control him and help guide my "dumb guy" into being "more righteous". I'm surprised that the good Lord didn't reach down from heaven and just smack me. I was obnoxious, and completely unaware.

It has been a hard lesson to learn, to really take to heart, that I am not my husband's conscience. There are times when I could get myself all bent out of shape and throw a fit, but it wouldn't benefit me. My husband would revolt at the idea of being so callously controlled, and I would feel angry and resentful. I'm not just talking about the past, but every opportunity that arrises in my life. This hasn't been a lesson that I have learned once, and it instantaneously became the rule. No. Every day I have to make the decision to be a help meet to my husband, and not a millstone around his neck. My goal in this marriage is to have my husband happy and proud to have me, not to have a man referring to me as his "ball and chain", a life-long prison sentence. How can I be anything less than a trial when I nag about stupid things like taking out the garbage, coming home right on time, or remembering to put the dirty clothes in the basket? What kind of fool would I have to be to throw away such a wonderful relationship over these tiny things? What kind of fool would I have to be to drive my husband so far from me, physically and emotionally, that he seeks comfort in sinful behavior? I don't want to be that fool. I don't think that any thinking woman does. It can be hard work to re-program ourselves though, which is why Debbi repeatedly calls on us to practice being a suitable help meet and reacting appropriately.

"Have you forgotten why you were created?

There are many times that I have forgotten why I was created. I can be a very selfish creature, very self-centered. It isn't a conscious thing, but a habit that sneaks up on me. I can get so caught up in what I want, why I want it, and why everyone else should do as I wish. Control, control, control. Then, by God's grace, I wake up and shake off the stupidity. I put on my meek and gentle spirit, and pray for the strength to remember why I was created. God knew what he was doing when he created me. It was no accident that I was born a female. I was purposefully created to be a helper to my husband, the kind of helper HE needs, not the kind that *I* think he needs. When I start forgetting that point, I have to pray Pray PRAY for the wisdom to know what is right, and how to bend my selfish nature to the will of God.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" [2 Timothy 1:7]

I don't have to be afraid of the lot I have been given in this life. The Lord has all of the keys to success, and all I have to do is ask for them. There is nothing that cannot be done by the power of the Lord, including embracing submission and putting away the bitterness and anger. The Lord fills me with his love, enabling me to love those who seem sometimes to not have any love to give me in return. The Lord continues to give me the gift of wisdom, every time that I petition him and submit myself to his will for my life.

Chapter 8

Wisdom to Understand Your Man

-A wise woman learns to adapt to her husband-

Debbi states her observation that there are basically three types of men. These different types are "Command Men", "Visionary Men", and "Steady Men". As she states, most men are a combination of these types, though usually stronger in one personality type. While reading this chapter, I came to realize some very interesting things about my own husband, and also about myself.

"There is nothing clumsier and more pathetic than a man trying to act differently from who he is."

"Wisdom is knowing what you "bought" when you married that man, and learning to adapt to him as he is, not as you want him to be."

I can't tell you how many times I have looked at my husband and wished that he were different than he is. Most of this came at the beginning of our marriage, after our "honeymoon" stage wore off. No longer was he the same type of man that I dated, but a completely different breed of man that I did not recognize. Because I didn't understand the type of man that he was, I felt unequipped to deal with him. More oft than not, I stayed angry, feeling as though I were the only adult in our relationship. This is because my husband was primarily a "Visionary" type man when we first married.

Here are some notes from Debi on Mr. Visionary....

"Visionaries are often gifted men or inventors...."

"The Visionary is consumed with a need to communicate with his words, music, writing, voice, art, or actions. He is the 'voice crying out in the wilderness' striving to change teh way humanity is behaving or thinking. Good intentions don't always keep Visionaries from causing great harm."

"Mr. Visionary needs a good, wise, prudent, stable wife who has a positive outlook on life."

"Learn how to be flexible, and learn how to always be loyal to your man."

My husband and I were very much an immature couple when we married, though we believed that we were more "grown up" than we were. From day one, my husband was the epitome of Mr. Visionary. I cannot tell you how many ideas of greatness he has had, and how many ways he wanted to re-invent the wheel, just to prove that he could. If it wasn't a sandwich shop that he wanted to open, it was a mechanic's garage, etc. When he finally settled down into a steady job, my husband was forever bringing home pieces of broken "junk" to repair and make into something so much more wonderful than it originally was. Can you guess my reactions?

I was miserable. I was not good to him, nor wise, far from prudent, and as far from stable as east is from west. My husband's flights of fancy worried me, scared me to death sometimes. I feared that he would not be a good provider, that he had no wisdom. Because of this, I held myself above him, and I tried to control him. I did not give him the freedom to be who he was, and I hurt him badly. There was no smile on my face, or a soft look at his newest invention. I could have pleased him so many times by showing interest in what he was doing, to be excited when he was excited, and supportive when he was disappointed. Instead, I called him childish and strove to wrestle every vestige of control from him. I did not have loyalty in my heart, and I belittled him to his face, and to others who would listen. I was a VERY bad help meet. Instead of helping my husband, I was tearing my house down with my bare hands.

As my husband and I grew in our marriage (and I stopped acting quite so much like a child), he really began to go through some large personality changes. When I stopped fighting him for control within our marriage, I began to see a little "Command Man" in him. With more of his confidence back, he began making decisions as he saw fit, which was actually a relief to me. If there was a task that needed to be done, he began leaving messages for me before he left for work. These weren't huge events, but other men began to see how my husband was changing. I think this is why he was able to attain the supervisor position that he has.

The biggest change in my husband is that when he is at home, he is most times a "Steady Man" now. Having outgrown many of his flights of fancy, he has settled into his life like a comfy seat. He shows no signs of moving any time soon. There are women that I know who wonder why I don't go crazy because my husband is content to relax at home and doesn't desire to go out all of the time or chase after excitement. I'm not going crazy, because I appreciate him. I would much rather have a husband who wants to be home with me, than a husband who wants to be out with the guys all the time, or who wastes all of our money on non-stop entertainment. We still have fun, but the real fun is just in sharing the experience with each other, whether we are out dancing, or sitting around the fire pit and talking about nothing.

"A Steady Man likes a woman to walk beside him, yet grow in her own right before God and him."

While at work, my husband opperates in "Command Man" mode, because he has to. Where home life is concerned, he prefers for me to be self-motivating and independant, while leaving behind the controling part of my nature. I have to be a woman who works hard, can make due on little, but can love him whole bunches. I don't think that it is too much to ask for, and it keeps him very happy. My Steady Man doesn't want to have to lead me firmly, but prefers that I anticipate his needs. In some ways, I think that this is more difficult than having a "Command Man", but I only say that because my father is one. lol I grew up having to go directly to our dining table every morning for my list of chores and things that HAD to be done for the day. I always knew where things stood if I did or did not accomplish what I was told to do. It has been very different with my husband, who basically groomed me to no longer rely on the straightforward nature of commands. Some women wouldn't understand why this is such a big deal, except that I had come to look at my husband as though he was somehow a lesser man because he did not take control over situations concerning our home life. This was the only way that I knew, and I did not like the idea of adapting to fit my husband. Instead, I expected him to do the changing.

"He [Steady Man] will never brag on himself and is typically very poor at 'selling' himself and his skills. He waits for another to point out his value and call for his help. It is your job to 'sell' him, to speak highly of him until all are convinced and aware that he is the skilled professional they've been looking for."

My husband won't brag, unless he is talking about how he makes the best sandwiches in the whole world. *laughs* Seriously though, my husband has really needed a champion from the time that we married, and I failed miserably for a long time. My man is a real good guy, and he has skills that could help so many people. He loves to do things for people, to help out, to be needed, to be appreciated. Because I spent so much of my time tearing my husband down, others did not see him as the valuable person that he is. Shame on me. This is one of the things that I have worked very hard to change about myself. I practice being thankful, and appreciating the husband that I have. Because I cultivate good feelings about my husband, it is so much easier to share these positive attributes with other people. What I've learned works best though is just to refrain from speaking ill about him. My husband is such a great guy that he comes across wonderfully, so long as he doesn't have me betraying him every time that he is out of earshot. I defend him to those who judge him unfairly, speak well about him in front of people, and I make a point to defer to his judgement. It goes a long way when people understand that I trust him to make decisions for me. Because of that, they feel confident in having him work with them and make difficult decisions.

All in all, these chapters have really spoken to me about learning to love my husband as the man that he is, without trying to make him into something else. Regardless of the kind of man that we have, there are still some things that seem pretty constant. For instance, it seems to really pay off to be hardworking, trusting, appreciative, and honoring a husband privately and publically. It sure doesn't seem like rocket science, but the learning was a long time in coming. A woman can save herself so much pain and stress by being flexible enough to adapt to her husband, and to really enjoy him.